Shorter Breaks

Shorter breaks between blogging is a big improvement from months between blogging, right? That’s my new blogging goal. Though I might not meet it very often.

I don’t do anything with my pictures or videos when I’m busy and as a single mom of 6 I’m pretty dang busy! haha

Even today, I started this post hours ago and have those two sentences above. haha! And Lyla is currently, literally, hanging on my back and saying, “ooh, ooh, ah, ah,!” and peeking around my head to see my face (while strangling me) and saying, “Peekaboo! Peekaboo mama!”

And Ember is reading me her American History book that she and Payson have been working on in homeschool and then she asked me to unlock the bathroom door because the baby lock to keep Lyla out is really high and she can’t reach it herself.

So! If I don’t blog guys, that’s why. It’s every second of every day this single mom gig. Today besides doing some homeschool stuff I really need to look into Turbo Tax to figure out my taxes. It gives me anxiety… I thought about hiring an accountant because I’m so nervous I’ll screw it up but I’m almost totally out of money so I’d like to not spend hundreds and hundreds unless I truly have to.

I have a parent teacher conference with my kids’ school this Thursday. They go to this school one day a week and I hate it. The administration doesn’t really like me. haha! I live in a super strict state when it comes to homeschool laws and they do NOT like that I stray from their schedule and curriculum and if you’ve followed my blog for any bit of time where I used to talk about homeschooling you know that I don’t thrive with sticking to consistent schedules. I follow a routine and curriculum but I like to add a LOT to things I use and go on rabbit trails.

This trait has fantastic benefits, I am flexible and can go with the flow and adapt to changes on the fly and as a mom that’s helpful. People who are strict planners and organizers and stay consistent have myriad benefits from that and I have myriad benefits from being the opposite… I guess I’m just saying that whether one or the other is “right” is arguable in either direction and the public school argues that my way of existing is the exact opposite of right and I get in a lot of trouble from them. It causes the most anxiety of my life right now, even more than grieving and my divorce does. I can’t function in the world very well knowing someone that directly impacts my life is so upset with what I’m doing. I can’t function very well when I really LIKE what I’m doing but other people oppose it. I feel like a pretty good mom and when I homeschool my kids we all learn and LOVE it. Like really love it and have the best time, but I take criticism very seriously and I absolutely can see the flaws with the way I parent and teach. The problem is that there are flaws with doing it the “other” way, too! So which way do you pick? I personally think that’s up to each parent to decide, to take seriously the ways in which you can parent and teach your children and weigh them and choose what seems better suited for you and your children and then act accordingly. But the state disagrees that it’s my choice so we run into a problem. haha

I’m considering putting my kids into regular public school next year… I would have to move though because I really despise the public school district where I live. But I can only move within a two hour radius of the kids’ dad and the options are pretty uninteresting in every direction. I feel totally trapped. I will make the best decision on where to live within the confines of my options for sure but it’s just not the most pleasant past time. Luckily I have until August to figure it out since that’s when my lease ends. I need a few more months to figure it out. Specifically I need summer to roll around and for me to be free of the anxiety of the public school breathing over my shoulder before I can devote enough mental energy to FIGURING OUT WHERE TO LIVE! Figuring out where to live has always been a decision that overwhelms me and takes me months to decide.

Honestly I’m pretty indecisive with everything. I hate feeling trapped and out of control and some decisions take away your control in big ways. For instance, I have hated where I live for quite some time but getting out of a lease is too expensive and challenging so I’m just staying and waiting it out. I made a decision that impacts my life for an entire year and I feel trapped by that decision. I feel this way with a lot of things so it takes me a long time to commit to ideas. I have a hard time trusting people, choices, and most everything after the devastating end of my marriage and church relationship.

I also struggle with perfectionism and making decisions FREAKS me the heck out. I feel the need to research almost every single thing about life, if not truly everything, to DEATH before I do anything. I literally stopped in Fred Meyer yesterday while shopping to research the two mascaras I was choosing between. They were on clearance (woohoo) but I’d never tried either and even though I don’t even WEAR makeup much anymore and don’t care that much, I couldn’t choose without hearing lots of reasons why I should. I needed thousands of others to convince me this freaking mascara was better than that freaking mascara. I made my choice based on reviews and because it was a different choice than I was going to go with it gave me such bad anxiety that I tossed the mascara on my bathroom counter when I got home and haven’t even glanced at it since and am trying not to think about it. I despise this trait about myself. It has worked wonderfully in many ways but it also wrecks me. I use all sorts of techniques to deal with life as a perfectionist. Perfectionism is how I handled a very challenging childhood. I don’t think I’ll cure myself of it any time soon. The last three years worth of effort, at least, hint at that truth. But I try anyway.

I have probably said too much so I’m going to throw some photos here. And after feeling anxious about sharing this much of me I might come back later tonight and delete all this talking. So if this is still up and it’s weeks later when you’re finding it, wow! Look at me overcoming self criticism and leaving something vulnerable up!

Oh my gosh it’s now more hours later and I’m getting back to this! Brooklyn wanted me to print a cover for her book she’s writing, Lyla had to go potty, Everett had to go potty,  Payson wanted me to beat a difficult level in Plants vs. Zombies 2, Payson wanted to talk about the party he’s putting together, Lyla wanted me to rough house with her, Everett shared some chips with me and danced in the kitchen and lots of other little things.

And Lyla and Ember just followed me to my computer and are asking for things. And Brooklyn just came to ask me to setup and print Sierra’s book cover. So I need to hurry and do this! Ack.

These first few photos are from back when we got a stomach bug. It was total hell. It wasn’t one of those quick and somewhat mild bugs, it was puking and having diarrhea nonstop for hours until you felt like you’d die from pain, weakness, and trauma. It was BAD.

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Lyla and Everett are really close and Lyla stayed near Everett most of the day. Everett had thrown up the evening and night before and by this time was mostly resting. He was so exhausted he slept most of the day.015efbblog

The first thing he got was Gatorade to replenish his electrolytes. My kids LOVE Gatorade.040efbblog

Days later, just a random snap of these two before we left to pick up Brooklyn from school.096efbblog

Everett and Lyla helped me make blueberry muffins. I use the same recipe I’ve used for years now!114efbblog

I made taco soup for dinner that night. It’s been a family favorite for many years now!132efbblog

I was taking a picture of the muffins and right then Lyla grabbed the knife I was using to cut onions! Yikes! Give me that, Lyla! haha146efbblog

This is a different day, Lyla must have liked whatever she was eating. It’s long enough ago now that I don’t remember what it was!159efbblog

Costco, we have been a loyal Costco family for ten years now!!212efbblog

Getting produce! Lyla 100% refuses to sit in the cart these days so I have her on my hip always. Sometimes my back hurts so bad from that position I let her ride on my shoulders instead!220efbblog

Don’t let their adorable faces fool you! They despise shopping and complain like crazy. Often I leave them home while I take the younger four.230efbblog

Instead of getting boxes from Costco I load the groceries up in my reusable shopping bags and carry as many as possible upstairs at a time. It usually takes me at least 3 trips up and down the stairs and oftentimes four!237efbblog

My kids love to get a pizza from Costco.241efbblog247efbblog249efbblog

Before school one morning.256efbblog

Lyla brings toys with her whenever we go anywhere. Her favorite for a while was this baby bottle (which she used for herself) and a couple of animal math counters.271efbblog

If I do anything that isn’t a “mom” task this is how it is done. ANYTHING. With Lyla on my boob. That girl has maybe even beat Ember for lover-of-breastmilk. I don’t know how I’ll ever wean her! It might be a sad ending just like Ember! I told Ember she had to quit breastfeeding when she turned four and she breastfed up until a week after her fourth birthday! She didn’t want to give it up! 278efbblog

Lyla LOVES LOVES LOVES to rough house. She loves all kinds of active playing but one of her top favorites is jumping off of anything into my arms. 285efbblog

This was only a couple days after that last Costco trip, I heard about this insane deal on glasses at Costco, buy one get one some percentage off (I can’t remember exactly how much but I saved a LOT. More than $30 a pair, I think) so I bought new glasses to have extra since Lyla lost my THIRD pair! I have the smallest apartment and yet I can’t find them ANYWHERE. I cleaned the entire place and even moved all my furniture and still can’t find them. But I’ve been super anal about where I keep my glasses (ALWAYS put them in their case if I’m not wearing them and put them up high!) and Lyla hasn’t gotten ahold of them yet!346efbblog

We had the longest winter in the history of the world. (exaggerating) but seriously it has felt like a year of snow. It snowed yesterday a lot. It’s snowy outside today. STOP WITH THE SNOW!348efbblog350efbblog356efbblog

Ember and Lyla were being adorable but I actually just took this to show Lyla’s cute hairdo. A simple twist. Now I just like the picture because of Ember’s laughing face! ♥♥♥360efbblog

They love playing together.364efbblog

At the glasses counter with me while the person there (I’ll need to google their title!) helped me with the fit on my new frames.370efbblog

Everett asked to try them on. He’s waaaay cuter than I am in them ♥373efbblog

And of course Lyla begged to try them after she saw Everett get a turn! haha375efbblog

So while I was at the counter the big four were a few feet away playing on this laptop that was on display and what were they laughing at?404efbblog

Their faces distorted! haha (See my camera in the photo? I carry my big, fat 1dx everywhere lately! I am obsessed with that camera. Love it. I mention it because I’ve thought about selling my cameras in order to have money but I haven’t yet because parting with them will break my heart)401efbblog

My kids always want to try out all the furniture 🙂413efbblog

And we always stop by the book section. And lately I haven’t but I used to buy a book or ten during lots of Costco trips. We don’t anymore but we still browse and long for them. haha (this trip I did buy some! It was before I realized just how poor I am. lol. We can afford food and rent, I’m just running into problems searching for affordable health and dental insurance!!!! ACK, need a better job!)420efbblog

Lyla was SO cranky during that shopping trip I opened up the shredded cheese (her favorite food is cheese) and let her eat it as we waited for the big kids in the bathrooms.432efbblog438efbblog443efbblog

Lyla was acting so concerned about the snow getting on us and the food!451efbblog

The other kids loved it!460efbblog

It was after lunchtime by this point so I got the kids happy meals since we only had a super short time to stop at home and unload the groceries and then we’d have to leave to pick up Brooklyn from school!499efbblog

Picking up Brooklyn looks like:504efbblog510efbblog

And I have many, many more photos but I’m going to go for now! I’m going to go start on taxes! Blech! haha

 

Hello

I haven’t posted here how I’d like to because WordPress made changes to the platform, specifically to writing posts, and I don’t adapt well to changes to blogging platforms. I’m fairly easy going with a lot of other things but not when it comes to how I write and share… just one little area where I don’t want to put in the effort to learn a new system.

But I love blogging and lately my kids have been asking me dozens of questions about their past and while mostly we look through scrapbooks and photo books it’s easier to have that search bar to type in exactly what they asked…

Oh you want to see the time it snowed in Arizona… “snowed in Arizona,” boom… you can see that here.

Oh you want to see what “Sierra looked like as a baby.

Oh you want to hear about when “scorpions” used to get in our house in Arizona.

So I’ve been wanting to pick this blog up again in a consistent way, for their sakes. And for mine. There is therapy in going back and reading from my past self. Listening and seeing my old life from my old perspective.

I’m just going to jump right back into it because there is no easy way for me to transition from not blogging to blogging!

Everett is starting to do handwriting and learning to read (his birthday is in November so he’ll be in kindergarten this next fall, I just wanted to give him a head start) and I’ve noticed he’s been starting to hold his pencils with his entire hand in a fist just like Payson used to so I bought some items on Amazon to help with that. 002efbblog009efbblog012efbblog013efbblog

One day I spotted Lyla on the couch with some stuffed animals pretending to nurse.043efbblog

It was the first time she’d ever pretended to breastfeed a toy.051efbblog

Most days I hold Lyla on my hip as I cook but sometimes I wear her in the ergo when I really need to hands to make something.A (22)efbblog

Lyla climbing the recliner.A (51)efbblog

We eat in the living room on this mat sometimes and I read home school books to the kids.A (70)efbblog

Lyla is still making nonstop messes. I don’t blame her, we’ve been trapped inside for most of the last three months!A (83)efbblog

I had to drop of some legal documents at my lawyer’s office and they said if they weren’t in to just slide them through the slot in the door, or whatever that’s called. 288ebwblog298efbblog

I got another rug. My youngest four love to run laps around the kitchen counter and it’s so loud. 008efbblog

I work in the kitchen a whole lot.027efbblog

We eat scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast every single day.033efbblog

We had some chicken nuggets and ketchup with dinner this night and Lyla had fun fingerpainting her plate.058efbblog

I have a few hundred more photos but I need to go make breakfast because all these kiddos are waking up and wanting food! I’ll try to blog again tomorrow!062efbblog

Grief

Grief

You criminal.
You thief.
I sit in my peace
enveloped in happiness
motivation flowing
through my veins

Without warning
you are here
invading everywhere
my breath catches,
my lungs full of you
my chest aches
my eyes water my cheeks
I slump.

The longing you
discard into my heart
leaving it there to burn
the burning pain
now all I experience
all I’m aware of.

Oh how I hate you,
grief.
How I despise you.

I frantically try
to cast you out
my mind is whirling-
trying to find the
place you entered me.

I’m furious!
How could you do this to me?
How could you come in
and take away my happiness?
Why won’t you leave?

And the knowing of my
powerlessness over you
settles in.
I give up.
You win.
You took those minutes,
hours.
Of my life.

I’m lost in them.
I’m lost.

So I write to you from
the fog.
Knowing you’ll never listen.
But writing anyway.

Fine, grief, keep taking.
Take and take from me.
But I’ll take from you, too!

I will take the lessons
from your presence
I’ll never trust again,
I’ll never love again.
I’ll wrap myself up in
self hatred and solitude
and though loneliness
hurts too,

NOTHING hurts as much
as you do!

2019!

I thought for sure I was going to start daily blogging again but then realized… I don’t take pictures every day. So I don’t know how often I’ll blog, or what about. But I hate this just being a dead space. My poor blog.

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I spotted Lyla on the couch with these stuffed animals. She was pretending to breastfeed the kitty. So cute!

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Lyla loves to hang out with me while I cook. Usually she sits on the counter where I’m working but sometimes she wants me to hold her. On those days, because I can’t cook with only one hand open, I wear her in the ergo.A (22)efbblog

I don’t really have any other pictures that I want to share! My family has been sick and I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of school and errands and I’ve also started doing my online classes again and working and I’m just so busy my poor cameras sit unused on my counter most of the time!

 

Lyla Makes a Mess

So a few months ago I realized that though Lyla makes huge messes every single day I rarely took pictures of them and maybe it’d be something I’d want to remember in the future when she’s through the messy toddler phase. I made an effort to grab my phone or camera to snap pictures before cleaning but it’s really hard for me since I notice a mess and just clean it immediately. It’s habit. These are less than 10% of her messes. But at least I captured some of the things she does!

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Are you cracking up at all her huge smiles throughout this series? She really likes making those messes. haha

My Apartment “Tour!”

So it took me a full month to unpack and decorate my apartment and ever since it’s been an ongoing project to figure out how to really live in this tiny space with 7 people! Seven people in 1,100 square feet!

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I had to buy some new furniture for this little space. The furniture I had in my house was giant and never would have fit here. It was nice to start over with new stuff anyway, try to forget the past type of thing. Make new memories in this new life as a single mom. d (2)eblog

Oh my gosh I spent hours researching furniture for my space! I found furniture in so many different places. I tried to buy mostly from Amazon because the shipping from Amazon can’t be beat (2 days?! YES) but I did have to get a couple things from other places.

If you want to find these things I’ve linked where I found them below! Click on the name of the item.

The taupe sofa is from WalMart.

The small aqua loveseat is from Amazon. (And I love it so freaking much!)

The area rug and pad are both from Amazon. And if you’re worried about noise then even though the area rug is gorgeous, the gorilla grip pad has been really necessary. It has been worth every penny to me in helping the noise levels in here and also for comfort. I found the area rug on Wayfair first but it was cheaper on Amazon by a whole lot!

The mini brown recliner was from Home Goods. (sorry no link, I found it in store!)

The gold poof and the cloth floor pillow and its cover and the sheepskin rugs are from Amazon, too. The gold poof is one of my favorite things I’ve ever bought. It’s so pretty and it’s more useful than I even imagined! My kids love sitting on that thing! They even pick it up (it’s heavy and hefty) and carry it all around the apartment to play with it or use it for a chair! There is also this gorgeous brown leather one I have my eye on. As soon as I can afford it I’m buying it for my bedroom! It’s so freaking pretty. As far as the round cloth floor pillow, my kids loved it but it wasn’t my favorite and I ended up giving it to Goodwill. It seemed to get flat really easily and was basically a giant pillow… so if you want that then you’d like it. I preferred something with structure to sit on.

I found pillow sets online, too. The world map ones are still available but the colorful one isn’t available anymore. Here are the throw blankets: the cream colored one and the bright pink one. I super love, love, love the cream colored one but I am not a big fan of the bright pink one and gave it to Sierra. She loves it, though!d (4)fbblog

The view of my kitchen. It’s tiny, huh?

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I slid this shelf with all our scrapbooks under the bar counter instead of getting barstools and am glad about that since Lyla would likely just ransack the counter anyway. The baskets on top of the shelf hold all of our “car” things. If you have kids you need to have a bunch of little things you take with you everywhere, if you want I can do a separate post on what I bring with me to take care of six kids on the go. Let me know in the comments.d (9)fbblog

I didn’t do a lot with my kitchen at first. d (11)fbblog

This is used mostly as a homeschool space instead of eating, though we do both here! I’ve finally finished setting this area up and will post separately about it soon! I got my desk and office chair at WalMart and the long corner desk (that I adore SO much) right here at Amazon. The bench is from Amazon as well! (I couldn’t find a link to my desk and office chair, sorry. I love this gold and white desk and this white and walnut office chair though! )d (12)fbblog

This shows my full counters. I never have a lot of space, they’re usually more cluttered than this, too. haha. I got everything on my counter from Fred Meyer and Home Goods. Fred Meyer had this amazing 70% off sale a few months back and I got most of these items for under $10 each!d (13)fbblog

I’m really lucky that the hall in my apartment is really wide and I can fit two giant shelves in here! One shelf holds all our homeschool stuff and the other holds more of our family photo albums! Both shelves I got at WalMart.

The easy to use wall ledges are on Amazon. I have rebought those a couple times because I love them so much. They use 3m strips! Easy on and easy off! The link I included takes you to a page with a couple options, 4″ and 21″. These photo ledges in the picture are clearly the 21″ ones (one per order, you don’t get two when you order!) but I have bought three sets of the 4″ ones as well! They are holding up amazing. I have a heavy jar with dry erase markers on one of the little 4″ ones and it hasn’t budged a bit. I love these wall ledges, obviously. I’d buy a whole lot more if I had more money!d (23)fbblog

The little kids love running up and down this hall so I bought a really thick rug from Amazon. It’s so thick this one didn’t even need the extra pad that I had to get for the area rug in the living room!

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My laundry room is filled up! I use it for extra storage by having a shelf and loading every spare bit of space up with stuff! I got these hanging vertical laundry hampers from Costco!

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This shelf holds our art supplies and my personal books. d (32)efbblog

Payson and Ember sorta share a room. Ember mostly likes to sleep at the foot of my bed or on a cot in my room or snuggled right up in the queen with me, Everett, and Lyla so mostly just both their toys are in here and Payson sleeps here. Ember’s clothes are kept in my room, too. But this is their play space and they love it.d (33)efbblog

All the canvases you see in here are from WalMart! I actually have been pretty happy with the quality there and mostly happy with the price and that they print these in ONE day! What the heck? Seriously! It’s awesome.d (35)efbblog

So, that’s that! My apartment! It’s been a super interesting experience going from a large house to a tiny apartment. Going from being a married woman to a single mom. Going from stay at home mom to stay at home mom PLUS work at home mom. It’s insane and busy and an absolute adventure every single day. I feel like I’m an explorer now. Every day I’m figuring out a brand new life. I’ve learned and I’ve grown a whole lot. It’s been really difficult. But it’s been good. Changing is good.

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Also, anything from Amazon is linked using an affiliate link so hopefully I get something back if you purchase through those! I just barely signed up for that program and if it goes well I’ll tell you more about it in the future! It’s a boatload of work tracking down all those items I bought this last summer so I hope you use the links if you want to purchase! Those are items I personally had spent hours and hours searching for and then purchasing on my own that I genuinely like and use.
Any other links outside of Amazon aren’t affiliate links 🙂

The End of 2018 Update!

Hi guys! It’s been forever, huh? I needed to take a break from socializing online to cope with my new life! I know you understand: divorce, becoming a single mom, moving, starting a new job, starting online classes, and still homeschooling- I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning. I didn’t have any energy for sharing online.

I could never do 4 months worth of blog posts to catch up so I put together a pretty decent collection of pictures for this post to let you know what we’ve been up to. SO much has happened! Not even ten percent will be shown here but it’s the best I can do. I have a few separate posts planned for the rest of this week but for now, get ready for a major update post!

So I mentioned in my last post 4 months ago that we moved or were moving, we did move- to an apartment! It’s small and has been a major adjustment that I’ve been figuring out. I have an entirely separate blog post with an apartment tour ready to go. For now here’s a picture of when we first moved in and didn’t have all our stuff unpacked.023eresizedblog

Ember lost her very first tooth! She’s lost a total of three in the last 3 months and has three more loose!

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Brooklyn turned 15!047efbblog

We moved to a new state so I had to get a new driver’s license.086eresizedblog

We ate at restaurants quite a few times during the first couple months.112efblittleblog

Our apartment has a pool. Yay!003eblog

And a playground!A (84)eresizedblog

We went to the lake many times. I could live at the lake ♥A (95)ceresizedblog

We went to the park a whole lot, too.d (6)efbblogc (75)efbblogc (81)efbblogc (99)efbblog

We had to go back to our old house a lot before it sold.d (126)eresizedblog

I finally got the apartment unpacked and decorated!d (2)eytblog

Brooklyn started high school!

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We went to a lot of doctor checkups.F (42)efbblog

Sierra started 7th grade!F (85)efbblog

The kids settled into our new apartment.F (100)efbblog

I got a couple boxes of curriculum from the local public/home school school Payson and Ember go to. (That’s another separate post coming!)F (132)efbblogH (13)efbblog

Payson and Ember had their first day of 5th and 2nd grade. (They go once a week)H (54)efbblog

Everett had his checkup for his fingers and how they’re healing since his surgery in 2014. I will post here and on my syndactyly blog all about that soon but for now- everything is looking great!B (195)efbblogB (147)efbblog

We went to quite a few movies! It’s one of our favorite things to do for family fun.B (460)cefbblog

It was a lot of trial and error getting Lyla a new car seat when she outgrew her bucket seat. A (12)efbblog

The kids had a STEM event at school.A (45)efbblog

Brooklyn and Sierra had an appointment with an eye doctor and had their eyes dilated. (Both girls have perfect vision)A (102)efbblogA (108)efbblog

 

My phone was ancient and finally stopped working so I replaced it. I had to get my own phone account through Verizon after divorce anyway so it was good timing.A (157)efbblog

Ember turned 8!E (55)efbblog

Our apartment neighbors under us complain constantly about the noise my kids make (long story) so I went to look at a bunch of rental houses.B (24)efbblog

I couldn’t find anything I could afford that was available so to solve the noise problem we spend most of the day out of the apartment, homeschooling in the quiet places we can find around town.B (67)efbblogB (78)efbblog

We celebrated Halloween!084efbblog

Everett turned 5!n (20)efbblog

We went on a couple road trips to visit my family. Traveling with six kids seems like a lot of work and it is but I love it so much!265efbblog

I celebrated my first Thanksgiving alone with the kids. My sister hosted our whole family and cooked the meal. She’s amazing. She also took this picture of me and my kids that I love.116eblog

I took all six kids black Friday sales shopping and got much needed clothes for everyone!349efbblog580efbblog

There was a huge storm coming through the pass on the road trip home but we made it just before it rolled in!748efbshareblog

Lots and lots and lots of grocery shopping trips.03 (5)efbblog

We decorated the Christmas tree.784 (25)efbshareblog

Lyla is still breastfeeding. She’s 2 1/2 now.072e2fbshareblog

Payson wanted to grow his hair out and did for months and when he was finally ready to trim the sides I was excited! He’s SO handsome!277efbblog

Christmas eve I was up until 4am wrapping presents! Lyla woke up several times and  putting her back to bed took quite a while! After I’d wrapped for hours I sat and stared at the tree and cried. It’s been an emotional year.083efbblog097efbblog

Christmas morning!

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And that brings us to today! New Year’s Eve. What a year it’s been.

Thanks for reading, I’ll talk to you soon.

A heads up!

Hey guys, I don’t have internet at my aparment (I MOVED!) so this blog is going to be quiet for just a bit, hopefully only a few days, right?! I have been making frequent youtube videos though! Check that out on my channel here: My youtube videos.

I haven’t remembered to take many photos this stressful week but I have filmed a bunch. I’m so excited to be done moving and settled in. Moving is really intense. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed!

Here are some photos from a month ago when we thought we were still staying in our house! haha

My thoughts tonight.

It is so hard to keep up with laundry. I have to do at least one load of laundry every single day just to keep up with the basics. When it’s time to wash sheets or other bedding, oh my gosh! It feels almost impossible.

I might’ve pulled a muscle around my armpit yesterday but I can’t remember doing anything that would warrant that and don’t remember it hurting at all until I woke up this morning. But it has hurt all day, a lot. Am I just aging? Is this what being 35 is? Aches and pains and no memory of an activity that caused it? Probably.

I started taking fish oil pills for the first time in my life. My therapist recommended an amino acid (I think that’s what it was) because I’ve been so down lately (downright depressed maybe?) and it’s situational depression and not chemical so antidepressants aren’t a good fit for me. I guess this amino acid is supposed to help but when I looked it up it said it wasn’t safe to take while breastfeeding and Lyla is still breastfeeding so while researching I found some women talking about how they take fish oil instead and it helps? I don’t know but I started taking them and I’ll let you know if they help.

I also take prenatals and vitamin D regularly and those help a lot and I had been out for a whole month so maybe that had something to do with it.

Lyla broke my glasses, literally pulled them off my face and then pulled them apart and one of the handles? (what are those things called- that go on your ear?) broke clear off. I tried to super glue it back on and it didn’t work. I hot glued it, didn’t work. I used packing tape and that worked for a few days and then fell apart, too. I finally just ordered two new pairs from eyebuydirect because they’re so cheap there ($9 frames). I’m nervous to get them because I couldn’t try them on so maybe they’ll look awful on me. I already feel self conscious wearing glasses after a lifetime of not wearing them so I don’t particularly want to also hate the look of the pair I have to wear, but we’ll see. I’ll take a picture when they come and show you and you can tell me what you think, too.

It cost me $2,000 to get this domain name, mysweetchaos, back. I think I mentioned that on arianaloves.com but maybe here, too? It was a BIG deal! $2,000?!?! I was annoyed.

My aunt died and left me some money and that’s how I afforded it. I would love to talk more about my aunt, I wish I could see her again… I don’t want to talk a lot about her here because it feels personal to her but I will tell you I love her and miss her.
I am spending the rest of that money on college. I love that feeling whenever I spend her money and think: Wanda bought me this. It feels like she’s still with me in some way.

I applied to college and they said I needed act/sat scores and those tests are quite a ways away so I’m stuck waiting to reapply until after October and I’m seriously bummed about it. It feels like a part of my life is on hold and it makes me uneasy. I like to take control of what I can to help my future along and I can’t right now. I’m just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Nervous and waiting.

It is so hard to put 6 kids to bed alone every night. Why do my kids fight bedtime so much? I’m so exhausted I can’t function and yet they would stay up practically all night if I didn’t force them to sleep. Why? Why do they fight it? Maybe I should look into the science of that because it is really aggravating and hard to understand.

Have I mentioned that I literally get zero alone time these days? No joke… zero. It’s so depleting. And yet, I adore my kids and can’t imagine not being in this phase of life. It’s a weird mix of feelings!

I started using clicklist from Fred Meyer where you order groceries online and then just park at Fred Meyer and they bring the groceries to your car and load your trunk for you. It is an actual life saver that I can’t imagine living without. Going to the store is torture with 6 kids. I don’t know how I did that for so many years. I had so much patience. I really did. I even loved shopping with my kids for most of my adult life. Now it overwhelms me. I end up with half my cart filled with things I didn’t plan for that my kids asked me for while shopping and I say yes to without even realizing they’re asking me something because I’m so focused on trying to remember what I came for while 6 people talk/whine/cry/and/or/scream at me the entire time. I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Clicklist forever.

I could type forever. Am I boring you? I should go to bed. I love typing. I feel better. Maybe I’ll have less anxiety falling to sleep tonight.