Sad sad sad. She was sad.

She was the only one in her head. In her inner world, her real world.

Everyone else knocked but she wouldn’t let them in. She leaned her head on the inside of the door and cried and cried. Wishing they could break it down and grab her and tell her a truth different than the one she saw. Thought.

She wanted to be rescued from the prison she built. She’d called it a fortress when wars were coming. Huge armies headed toward her and only her and she didn’t know why. Was everyone else safe in their minds? Did everyone else fling open their doors and love? Did they touch each other and smile and stare into each others’ eyes. Did they see each other for real? In person, face to face?

She thought they did. She imagined them out there in their perfect world together and she was in her mind. Door bolted shut and locked from the inside. Safe from the armies but shut in and out of the big, bold world. It wasn’t magic in her mind. It wasn’t new or fun or soft or safe after all. It was a prison. She’d escaped death to live a jailed life.

Was her self-imposed destiny permanent? She told herself to open the door but she couldn’t. She had thousands of little chains on her arms. She’d reach and reach for the door locks and never reach them. Her chains were important and strong. One was engraved with, “Remember the 5 teenage boys?” Another was engraved with, “Remember her hatred as she screamed?” Another, “He was eating you all up he loved you so.” Another, “He’s watching you drown.” Another, “No one sees you. You walk in front of them and are invisible.”

There are thousands of little chains, each with an engraved message, holding her arms back, leaving her hands just inches from the locks. The chains and the locks keep her safe from more chains. They keep her crying at the door, safe from anyone that would hate her, and separated from anyone that would love her.

Quarantine Day 38

I miss writing here. I miss the times where it felt like I was sharing with friends. In a lonely life raising little kids, it was my happy place. It was where and how I shared with friends that weren’t nearby. It was how I made a lot of new friends who I wouldn’t have met any other way.

Blogs are kinda dead now, though. Mine died, everyone I used to follow doesn’t blog anymore. And I’m too busy to do it. But here I sit anyway. Potatoes cut up and frying in butter a few feet away.

This computer used to be mine. It used to be where I still attempted to get that magic of the early 2000s blogging back. It never worked. It always felt like work. And now this computer is used by my kids.

They all started virtual school this week. There were a lot of hiccups. Turns out you can’t log into some of the things they need to with some of the devices we have. In fact, specifically only their chromebooks are working. Not any of our now-4 laptops, my desktop, my phone, any of our various sizes and brands of tablets…

There’s probably frustration in my typing over that because it is frustrating. If you want a family of 7, with 5 of those seven being school-aged, to log in separately then maybe choose a platform that works across a variety of devices? MAYBE?

Gotta turn those potatoes.

This is the first morning in weeks that I’ve managed to get out of bed without waking up Lyla. She is the lightest sleeper, restless sleeper too, like Ember was. Because Ember was I don’t worry. I remember worrying about Ember for years. She tossed and turned ALL night every night for the first 4 years of her life, at least. I talked to her pediatrician about it. I guess it was just Ember. She sleeps soundly now. So when Lyla wakes up crying regularly I just pull her close and snuggle her back to sleep. Over and over. She tends to settle down halfway through the night and sleeps decently soundly from 3am-7am. Unless there’s any noise, then she wakes up again. So that’s why I’m surprised to be sitting out here typing alone. It’s really nice. I wish every morning started this way. I set an alarm and try to make that happen but like I said, no matter how slowly I creep out of bed, Lyla wakes up. And yeah, still cosleeping. Funnily enough I think since quarantine started people are less judgmental of those kinds of parenting choices. I feel like there’s less mom shame. More body shame, less parenting shame. And I’ll take that trade off!

Lyla just walked through the kitchen and smiled up at me and I picked her up and set her on my lap. She’s resting her head on my chest as I type and I’m gently resting my chin on the top of her head. I love this girl. She’s full of life. Well, I’m going to go cuddle her. I’ll be back later.

Thanksgiving 2019!

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This year we didn’t have running water for Thanksgiving (my whole town didn’t) and I had really planned on going to visit my family for the holiday but Brooklyn didn’t want to leave her cat. My mom even invited the cat to stay with her, too, but Brooklyn just didn’t want to go. So we stayed home and last minute I had to run to Costco to get an entire meal. This wasn’t the first time I’ve done it this way! haha (I really don’t even mind doing it this way)

We had deviled eggs and a simple relish tray (on Christmas plates, heh) earlier in the day.1128_ (2)efbblog1128_ (7)efbblog

And then I cooked what I had to cook. We tried gluten-free stuffing so Payson could try it and it was digusting and no one ate it.1128_ (9)efbblog

And then it was time to eat!1128_ (15)efbblog1128_ (19)efbblog1128_ (20)efbblog

Lyla is a big fan of corn on the cob and ate every last bit of hers and had seconds. She tried a lot of the other food, too.1128_ (26)efbblog

And then time for pumpkin pie! I got a huge three pack of whipped cream since it was Costco after all, and Everett LOVED that! I let the kids spray their own whipped cream and it turned into a… lot.1128_ (35)efbblog1128_ (43)efbblog1128_ (44)efbblog1128_ (54)efbblog1128_ (60)efbblog1128_ (68)eefbblog1128_ (91)efbblog1128_ (96)efbblog

It was an awesome day.1128_ (103)efbblog1128_ (116)blog1128_ (120)blog

Halloween 2019!

First we went to the mall to trick or treat since it was SOOOO cold!!! October was full winter this year.

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Their dad was there too, and I have a photo of them with him. 01 (262)efbblog

Brooklyn was Katsuki from My Hero Academia. That’s who her cat is named after, too. We made her wig and boots.

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Sierra was Glaceon, a pokemon, and we made her costume too. I’ll post a video of it at the end of this post.01 (281)efbblog

Payson was Pikachu!

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Ember was an LOL Surprise doll!

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Everett was a shark. And don’t call him Shark Car from Umizoomi or Baby Shark! He’s just a shark he wants you to know!

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Lyla was a unicorn. Unicorns are her favorite animal!01 (277)efbblog

Because she’s my last baby and still young enough to love matching with mom, I was a unicorn too! haha01 (292)efbblog01 (300)efbblog

Brooklyn with her hood and wig off and just the extreme makeup leftover!01 (302)efbblog01 (310)efbblog

Family Fun at the Pumpkin Farm!

Not too far from us is a really cool farm that has a pumpkin patch, a corn maze, and a whooooole bunch of activities. Barrel role, bouncy houses/slides, hay bale rides, rain barrel rides, and then the other section of the place is this area with dozens and dozens of pop up tent vendors with food and treats and a boatload of other items for sale.01 (138)cloneefbblog

The kids went in the barrel races and inflatable slides when we first got there but I didn’t take photos until we went on the hay bale ride. Here we were waiting in line. The man ahead of us was with his kids and was upset with how they were acting and scolded them in a really big way and man was that awkward. He literally told them they were acting like babies and to grow up. I wasn’t even aware that they were doing anything wrong. They seemed to be Payson and Ember’s ages. It was awkward. And then Brooklyn told Sierra how awful that guy was and the guy overheard so I was like, I hope I don’t get beaten up in the parking lot after all of this. 01 (100)efbblog

But the ride was fun! haha01 (111)efbblog01 (113)efbblog

It was a very cold October day so after an hour or so of fun we went and got apple cider. Oh yeah, first we all had to go potty so we went to the porta potties. It was the first time many, most I think, of my kids had used one and that was an adventure all on its own! There was a long line so everyone was right there to watch you go in. The porta potties were gross. In the one I went in there was a used pad on the ground. Then the water station to wash hands was tricky to figure out. Some other woman there helped us. That was nice of her. It was funny. Porta potties. Crucial and also not my favorite.


So… onto the apple cider.01 (116)efbblog

This was homemade apple cider made with apples from the farm we were at and it was honestly the best apple cider I’ve ever had and I’ve never been the same since. haha. Just kidding. But I do consistently wish I could have more of it.01 (122)efbblog

Only two of my kids liked the cider and I can’t remember which two. Sorry. Probably Sierra and Payson. I’ll ask them later and edit this post. Or I’ll never do that and never remember. ha01 (123)efbblog

After getting warmed up inside and having our cold fingers warmed by the hot apple cider cups we went back for more fun! The four little kids mostly wanted to go on all the inflatable bouncy things. There was this huge one that they absolutely loved.01 (142)efbblog

Brooklyn didn’t want to be there and kept asking to go home.01 (151)efbblog

I felt torn between being there for her and for the other kids. It was a rough time in our lives. In my life… balancing her needs and the other 5 kids’ needs. I decided to make her come with us and stay through the whole thing. The other kids needed that family fun.01 (162)efbblog01 (167)efbblog01 (171)efbblog

Right before going home I set up my camera to take a timer picture just to have the whole family in a shot. These are what I got.01 (185)efbblog01 (186)e2fbblog01 (188)efbblog01 (190)efbblog01 (191)efbBLOG

And this one of just the kids is cool.01 (195)efbblog

A man there offered to take our photo and took this and I liked it so much it hung on our living room wall for a few months 🙂01 (196)cloneefbblog

I also filmed some of it: