I saw an attorney today. I’ve decided that divorce is pretty much the worst thing on the face of the earth. Probably into the eternities, too. Break up a family. Split everything and everyone apart.
I was sad all day today. I cried a dozen times. Allan has decided that not only is he going through with the divorce but he refuses to leave lawyers out of it. I’m upset about that because I thought we agreed on everything… why do we need lawyers? But he insists.
My kids are emotional messes right now. I feel so badly for them. I spend most of my meetings with my therapist getting advice on what to tell them when they ask their dozens and dozens of questions. What to say when they see me cry, what to say when they cry. I read a lot about helping kids through divorce. Things I’ve read and heard have helped a lot. The kids are still sad that their eternal family is broken apart but at least they understand the reason and that it has nothing to do with them and that they still have their original family, just one person is in a different home.
And me… I’m not adjusting well to anything. My whole life feels ruined. If I ever am stupid and start thinking about tomorrow or the next week or heaven forbid, next year, I go in a tailspin of sadness that is hard to climb out of. My future is bleak and depressing and I don’t like thinking about it. Everyone tells me to have hope and things will improve but I don’t believe it. Everything I wanted in life is destroyed, how is there hope?!
After crying for the 10th or 20th time today I decided to stop wallowing in my broken family and work with what I have left. There is a part of it… me and my kids. And though I absolutely hate this new reality I don’t have a choice over it so I might as well just DO it. I decided it was a perfect Monday to start up Family Home Evenings. That’s an LDS thing. I went ahead and started off with the first lesson out of the resource book which was on building families through home evenings. I was worried about how it would go talking about eternal families in this awful time but it went well. We were able to talk about each person in the family and how important each person in the family was to every other person and how we could strengthen each other.
I made a super simple little chart to rotate names and responsibilities and we hung it on our white board. The kids were a bit hyper, like they’ve been nonstop the last few weeks, but I kept things together and mostly calm between everyone. We played a board game after the lesson and then had homemade dessert. It was nice. We’ll do it every Monday night now.
I used this earlier ultrasound picture of Lyla to talk about what babies need and what members of the family provide that for them and how perfect of a plan it was to create a family for babies and kids to come into with parents to take care of them and also siblings to help each other. We took turns coming up with needs people have and talking about who meets those needs in the world. It went well 🙂
This picture was actually supposed to go in yesterday’s post but it was on a different memory card so, here it is today. ha
I let my kids decide dinners this week. This is our menu that we went shopping for yesterday:
Tonight: chicken pot pie
Wednesday: asian lettuce wraps
Thursday: pancakes, sausage, and eggs
Friday: rotisserie chicken and potatoes
Something making me sad and causing me to use all my anxiety calm down tools from therapy is: my husband got a lawyer and filed for divorce behind my back.
Something make me happy this week is the baby kicking so hard I can feel it from the outside and very soon I get the really cute ultrasound… where you can see their face clearly and all that.
Things going on: yesterday: I went to the doctor to have a lump on my neck checked out. All 5 kids were home since we’re all sick so that was an adventure. I then had to go to the pharmacy to have an iron prescription filled since I’m severely anemic. I have to have an extra obgyn appointment this week since I’ve lost 6 pounds and can’t gain it back (from stress)
Today the kids are all home again. I need to call and schedule a dentist appointment for myself and I need to find a babysitter! I don’t know how to do that. Advice? I’m super picky because I’m paranoid my kids will be molested. By pretty much everyone. Yeah, I’m overprotective.
I have to go to the bank today to figure out what’s going on. My husband opened his own account (the day he got the divorce filed) and took half our savings and put it in his own account. He says he left half the savings but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on… I’m not sure what to do about the mortgage and all the other bills either. He didn’t talk to me about any of this, just separated our money and I’m left completely clueless on what to do financially right now. Did this happen to anyone else? What should I do?
If I can’t find a babysitter today I’m going to have to cancel my therapy appointment tonight and I really don’t want to because I’m in desperate need of advice.
When a lawyer showed up at my door out of the blue one afternoon to serve me the divorce papers I had a nervous breakdown. I cried for hours before finally calling my mom when I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore. She told me lots of things and gave me lots of good scriptures that helped me feel better. This one scripture she told me in 2 Timothy I looked up while we were talking and laughed because I’d previously highlighted the entire chapter!
I’m not doing well today. Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had. Allan started sleeping in our extra area upstairs a couple months ago and then started looking at apartments a month ago. I was so hurt and traumatized by everything in the beginning that I wanted him out so I didn’t have to see him and be reminded of the pain every single day. I planned my future alone and changed my furniture and art and pictures and bedding and thought, going forward just as Ariana, I can do this. I’ll survive and learn to thrive and this doesn’t have to kill me.
Allan finished moving out the very last of his things yesterday and then we took the kids over to the apartment to see it and have dinner there. We’ve told the older kids what’s going on but that they’ll see dad almost as much as before, maybe more often in some ways as they have entire days with just him. And we told the littlest kids that they have two homes now. We took toys and games to Allan’s place and we don’t call it “Allan’s place” to them. We call it “our apartment” so that they feel as much ownership there as the house. I don’t want them to feel like their dad left and has this other life. I want them to feel like they have a family in two different places and are a part of both locations.
I was surprised yesterday by my reaction. I cried all day. I thought I’d feel something different, I don’t know why, than total devastation. It’s felt like my husband died and my marriage died for a long time now but seeing it all happen, watching him leave, watching his stuff go, made it very real. My marriage really is over and my husband really is gone and I’m totally alone and there wasn’t anything I did to cause it. That’s just so painful. There’s nothing happy about separation. People keep asking me what I look forward to, what’s the positive, and they tell me I’m strong and making good decisions and handling this with my kids well and I know that that’s true and that the future isn’t going to be as painful as right now but right now is all I feel. And it hurts so freaking bad.
I didn’t get married to lose my husband. I didn’t start a family to have it broken. I don’t want to be pregnant alone. I don’t want to raise kids alone. I don’t like sleeping without a best friend in my bed. And to remember things and know the whole thing was a horrible lie. It’s just so painful! Sometimes I wish I’d never found out what I did. Yeah, my life was a lie but I was happy in my ignorance. Though Allan was getting worse and worse and I didn’t know why. But now I’m hurting. I’m hurting from someone else’s actions. I’m alone and it’s someone else’s fault but it’s also mine for falling for all the lies. Why didn’t I listen to his actions when we were dating over his words?! I wanted so desperately to find someone who was going to be loyal and take care of me (emotionally) and be a loving, spiritual partner that I ignored all the feelings and all the red flags and just clung to his words, which were all lies, so strongly.
And now I’m paying for it. You marry a liar and you just get pain. I wish I hadn’t been so trusting. I was an honest person, am an honest person, and just assumed people were being honest with me. I guess I always thought liars looked and acted like liars. I didn’t get that they could act so much like saints and sweet, sensitive people. I didn’t know that.
I just don’t know how I thought that the bad guys looked like bad guys, not like good guys. How stupid I was! And now I hurt. I really can’t believe this is my life. I really thought my marriage was forever. I really don’t understand why someone hurts the person they say they love. I really don’t understand. Why when you find someone who loves you so much do you do the ONE thing on earth that could hurt them and make them leave? WHY?!?! There was literally ONE thing that is a deal breaker and he did it. I just don’t understand. It makes me feel so unloved and used and makes the world feel dark, mean, and scary.
I have all my kids today and they’re so very needy. This whole thing has made them emotional messes. I do my very best to be there for them and talk to them and not cry in front of them and make life feel normal but today is too hard. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. But I can’t. Ember just pooped and is screaming at me to come wipe her and Everett just pooped and needs a new diaper and Everett also dumped his bowl of cereal on the ground and I need to clean that and I need to do the dishes that I didn’t do yesterday and a million other things.
Today is too much. I wish I lived by my family.
Do you remember how
I loved you?
Do you remember my
touch, my words,
my adoration, encouragement,
Do you remember me
as a plentiful spring?
Gushing, healing water,
a seemingly endless
supply for your
dry, cracked lips?
A resource for you,
a light source
for your dark,
If not let me tell you,
I’ll remind you
of the days I sat
thinking of you,
considering all I could do
to bring happiness
to your heart.
Words, actions, thoughts,
a lifetime of consideration
You were the center of
everything for me.
And now I know
you were the center
of everything for you, too.
While I was trying everything to please Allan,
you were trying
everything to please Allan.
And both of our efforts
to please you, hurt me.
What a surprise to
both of us that I’m
not an eternally
What a surprise it was
to you that my
wasn’t to fill you up
in every and any way
you were empty.
What a surprise it was
to me that I
and my needs
never crossed your
mind in the hours,
days, weeks, months,
and years your needs
filled my mind.
And now that I know,
and you’re learning,
you try to do things
Unfortunately it’s not enough
and more unfortunately
it doesn’t matter anymore.
Because after all
the taking and
after all the lies
and after all the
my deep, pure love,
that you could have had forever,
The spring had an end.
I’m told not to ask questions
to heal right.
I am just to let go.
Let go and let God
handle your addictions.
But what am I left with
here all alone?
A pile of lies, endless confusion,
pain so intense,
I feel I might die.
I know there are parts missing from your confession,
but I keep hearing
I can’t ask why.
Why would you hurt me?
Why didn’t you care?
Why’d you mislead me?
Why’d you want me there?
Why couldn’t you release me?
Why keep me with lies?
Why was I never enough
in your addict eyes?
seeping out your lips
and your fingertips drip
my body turning black
across my breasts, down my back.
It’s so painful now that when I see an engagement announcement or wedding photos my heart is filled with bitterness and pain and I only ever think, “Just a matter of time before that jerk rips her heart out and smashes it into the ground.”
Will I always feel this way? Am I always going to be bitter and hateful toward men I don’t know? Will it always be that they’re guilty until proven innocent?
And will the pain ever, ever, ever lessen?!
Questions I’m not supposed to ask myself or dwell on but do sometimes in weak moments. Instead you’re supposed to focus on questions or feelings you have control over. Will I always feel like this? Not answerable. What can I do when I feel like this? Take care of myself, reach out to friends, hug my kids closer, write, listen to encouraging music about surviving heartbreak, paint, cook, and did I mention hug my kids?
I’m sick today. Being sick, very sick, weaknes me in every way. Normally I can tap into my emotional strength and move on after a good cry but when everything hurts and I’m physically weak and tired, emotions run wild and intense. Luckily illnesses don’t last forever.
My goodness do I love the kindle app on my iPad mini! Of course I prefer holding and reading a real book but it’s so affordable to buy kindle versions of books!
Early on after discovering my husband’s lies and secrets when I was in trauma over everything, I read a lot of therapy type books. Here are the ones that were most helpful!
Thawing by Don Carter
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens
How I Stayed Alive When My Brain was Trying to Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
The Mindful Brain by Daniel Siegel
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, M.D.
As Soon as I Fell by Kay Bruner
The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Any book recommendations from other women going through breakups, divorce, infidelity, or other heartbreak? I’d love to hear about them in the comments!