Going on a hike to breathe my feelings into nature.

So the day this happened was the day after Allan asked for a divorce. I was surprised when he asked for divorce, even though maybe others would think I wouldn’t be after all that’s gone down the last 2 1/2 years? I don’t know, but I was.
I was upset for a million reasons.
Watching someone make choices you don’t agree with and walk away from a family they made… it’s a bad feeling. Watching the person who made vows to build a life together betray those vows over and over again. It hurts.
After going for a drive and crying my eyes out, silently so the kids had no idea, I decided to pull my shit TOGETHER and do the thing that most makes me feel like me and helps me focus on my own dang self and how to be the best person I can be, HIKING WITH MY KIDS.
Nature, motherhood.
They are the only two absolutes in my life so, off on a hike we went! It really was encouraging to be out in nature where everything has a place and does exactly as nature told it to. It made me feel more peaceful like… you know what, doesn’t matter what level of emotional hurt is going on inside me, I am being nature and I can still be nature. I can still be what a human is meant to be even if what happens around me doesn’t look like the blueprint I was given when I was younger. I’m taking care of these kids the best I can and I guess that’s ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS! Becoming better for them and not because I’ll get a happily ever after by those actions. Not because I’ll be a “good mom” if I do a good job. But because I can make their lives a little better if I do a good job. I need to work on me so that I’m a force of good in the world and impact others positively instead of becoming dark and depressed and selfish in my misery. I see easily why humans go down that road and so I want to take the other route… where it doesn’t actually matter what happens to me, I still stand up afterwards and try to find ways I can add good to the world instead of bad. SO WHAT something sad happened to me? I can still put out good in the world.

Thank you all for following my journey. I’m sorry when my sad feelings seep out and don’t inspire. I’m not a hallmark card, though. I’m a person with a jumble of emotions and when I’m in a dark place I hope that you can feel better about your own dark places instead of feeling saddened or even hateful toward me letting you down. I can’t inspire with my perfect life because my life is so far from perfect, but I am real. This is my messy life I’m trying to manage the best way I can with whatever human traits I have. Sometimes I fail and make huge messes. I hope you love me anyway.

I hope I can make myself leave my house and go out into nature more often. I hope that for you, too. I know it’s hard. It’s so much easier to hide in a house where it’s safe from scary people that might hurt me. Some people are freaking scary. They just hurt me for no reason. They say, “I love you” and then punch me in the face.
I’m sorry for being hurt, for hurting others, and for all the hurt you reading have had. Nothing changes it.
But there are other people who are there through the storms, and you can’t find them hiding in your house. They’re out there in the world. It’s worth the battle scars of hurtful human interaction to find the ones who help, uplift, and heal. Who connect and love with everything in them.

I don’t know what I’m saying.
I love you. I hope you love me. Thank you for being here.

Look at Payson, can you believe how big this kid is getting? Wasn’t he just a little toddler yesterday? Where does time go! It drifts quickly by when you’re not looking.

Am I really someone who has had hurtful things happen to her? You could never say that about this woman below, could you? How can anything matter when she has those kids? She is one lucky, lucky, lucky human.

Look at this cute little bug in this pretty flower! I loved watching it.

I only have 3 years left with Brooke at home. That’s so sad. I better get to treasuring it and watching and listening to her more!

This is so funny… Ember found this sign post that had the number 7 and asked for a picture since she is 7…

And we couldn’t find the 4 sign so Everett settled on posing with the #2. haha. That kid is the best kid.

Look at what I get to see when I drive around my neighborhood. How beautiful is that?

Sneakily snapped this while they were talking.

Waiting for KFC. Because while I was trying my very best to hold it together, cooking dinner seemed like it might break me and so KFC stepped in to help out. haha

Everett Gets So, So Sick!

Everett develops a fever. He doesn’t have many other physical symptoms besides being super cranky, not letting me put him down for even one second, and being super sleepy. I manage to get him to sleep while breastfeeding and then slide him onto the couch sometimes. I rush around trying to do laundry or cook meals during those times.

I usually don’t treat fevers unless they’re causing serious issues like my kid won’t drink or sleep at all and I think the pain relief will help them do those things, which help them recover. But this time around day 5 Everett still had a 103 degree fever so we took him to the doctor. Allan was out of work for a doctor appointment of his own so he met us at the pediatrician.

The pediatrician diagnosed Everett with stomatitis and said baby tylenol would be great for him not because of the fever but for pain since that’s a really painful virus. Poor Everett! 🙁

So that night and the next day Everett became crankier than he had been. His fever didn’t go down and I worried about him. He kept pulling his legs up to his chest in his sleep and grabbing his ears and crying. We ended up in the ER.

It’s a good thing we’d gone because Everett had developed horrible infections in both his ears! We got antibiotics and added motrin to the regime.

Gorgeous Day

We went for a family walk over at the lake. It was a gorgeous fall day!

So clearly we had a lot of fun looking through those telescope things and taking pictures. We headed up a hill next. We spotted a squirrel.

Then we hiked down to the lake and threw rocks in the water.

Everett was super excited to point out all the birds. This toddler loves animals and birds and bugs and yeah, anything alive 🙂

Meeting Allan for Lunch

It felt awkward meeting Allan for lunch this day. A lot of what I did in those first days after discovering his lies was just going through the motions. I didn’t know that I should have just been protecting myself. I still tried to pretend all was well. But being around him was often traumatizing. In public it was worse.

So that’s what went on with me internally during this lunch. I’m guessing the kids had fun and Allan had a good time without a clue of the blackness he’d injected into his wife’s brain. He wasn’t very supportive at that time. (These photos are from October 2nd)

Back then especially picking up my camera to take pictures was just going through the motions. I had no desire (which is so odd for me) but felt like I should. Even taking pictures of Allan… I do it for his sake and most especially for my kids’ sake. I don’t want to deprive them of memories that exist. To them this day is probably a good memory. I feel now like that gives me hope for them. I feel like an empty shell but hopefully doing things was enough that this time period won’t traumatize them for the rest of their lives.

Everett was pretty cranky, as he is most of his life, so I gave him this basket filled with crackers to play with. It helped momentarily.

Everett was excited about the fries! I’d also had the salad bar option and he ate two huge servings of potato salad!

Happy 37th Birthday to Allan!

I can’t believe Allan is 37!
For his birthday he took a day off work and while Brooke was at school we went to Cabela’s (missing Bass Pro Shops the whole time!) and looked for a new fishing rod and reel for him. Then we went to Chili’s for lunch!

At first we hung out with him at the fishing reel section but the kids couldn’t keep their hands off the reels so I took them on a walk to the fudge shop and we bought a couple kinds of fudge for Allan before heading over to the big aquarium.

The kids (especially Ember) get a kick out of this talking moose. Ember was terrified of it at first. Once we explained it wasn’t alive she loosened up!

Allan found a really nice reel and found a nice rod that was on super clearance from $100 to $18!! Or something crazy like that!

I took the kids to the aquarium and we watched the fish. Everett slept through the entire trip!

Next up, Chili’s! Allan convinced me to order the chicken avocado sandwich and he got a half rack of ribs. Sierra and Payson got mini cheeseburger kids meals and Ember got her very favorite meal on earth, chicken strips and fries. Everett shared my food.

Sierra started complaining about her bun giving her a headache so I took her hair down while we waited for the food.

Ember Anya super dee duperly loves fries!

As does Payson.

I wish I could remember exactly what amusing thing she was talking to me about. She makes me smile every minute of the day. She’s so funny and interesting and smart and loving and full of joy!

Everett eats SO much when he likes a food. He eats more than I ever think he will at one sitting. He ate most of my fries!

One of Allan’s favorite foods is ribs!

Payson remarked that his hamburger patty looked like a heart! ♥