Shorter Breaks

Shorter breaks between blogging is a big improvement from months between blogging, right? That’s my new blogging goal. Though I might not meet it very often.

I don’t do anything with my pictures or videos when I’m busy and as a single mom of 6 I’m pretty dang busy! haha

Even today, I started this post hours ago and have those two sentences above. haha! And Lyla is currently, literally, hanging on my back and saying, “ooh, ooh, ah, ah,!” and peeking around my head to see my face (while strangling me) and saying, “Peekaboo! Peekaboo mama!”

And Ember is reading me her American History book that she and Payson have been working on in homeschool and then she asked me to unlock the bathroom door because the baby lock to keep Lyla out is really high and she can’t reach it herself.

So! If I don’t blog guys, that’s why. It’s every second of every day this single mom gig. Today besides doing some homeschool stuff I really need to look into Turbo Tax to figure out my taxes. It gives me anxiety… I thought about hiring an accountant because I’m so nervous I’ll screw it up but I’m almost totally out of money so I’d like to not spend hundreds and hundreds unless I truly have to.

I have a parent teacher conference with my kids’ school this Thursday. They go to this school one day a week and I hate it. The administration doesn’t really like me. haha! I live in a super strict state when it comes to homeschool laws and they do NOT like that I stray from their schedule and curriculum and if you’ve followed my blog for any bit of time where I used to talk about homeschooling you know that I don’t thrive with sticking to consistent schedules. I follow a routine and curriculum but I like to add a LOT to things I use and go on rabbit trails.

This trait has fantastic benefits, I am flexible and can go with the flow and adapt to changes on the fly and as a mom that’s helpful. People who are strict planners and organizers and stay consistent have myriad benefits from that and I have myriad benefits from being the opposite… I guess I’m just saying that whether one or the other is “right” is arguable in either direction and the public school argues that my way of existing is the exact opposite of right and I get in a lot of trouble from them. It causes the most anxiety of my life right now, even more than grieving and my divorce does. I can’t function in the world very well knowing someone that directly impacts my life is so upset with what I’m doing. I can’t function very well when I really LIKE what I’m doing but other people oppose it. I feel like a pretty good mom and when I homeschool my kids we all learn and LOVE it. Like really love it and have the best time, but I take criticism very seriously and I absolutely can see the flaws with the way I parent and teach. The problem is that there are flaws with doing it the “other” way, too! So which way do you pick? I personally think that’s up to each parent to decide, to take seriously the ways in which you can parent and teach your children and weigh them and choose what seems better suited for you and your children and then act accordingly. But the state disagrees that it’s my choice so we run into a problem. haha

I’m considering putting my kids into regular public school next year… I would have to move though because I really despise the public school district where I live. But I can only move within a two hour radius of the kids’ dad and the options are pretty uninteresting in every direction. I feel totally trapped. I will make the best decision on where to live within the confines of my options for sure but it’s just not the most pleasant past time. Luckily I have until August to figure it out since that’s when my lease ends. I need a few more months to figure it out. Specifically I need summer to roll around and for me to be free of the anxiety of the public school breathing over my shoulder before I can devote enough mental energy to FIGURING OUT WHERE TO LIVE! Figuring out where to live has always been a decision that overwhelms me and takes me months to decide.

Honestly I’m pretty indecisive with everything. I hate feeling trapped and out of control and some decisions take away your control in big ways. For instance, I have hated where I live for quite some time but getting out of a lease is too expensive and challenging so I’m just staying and waiting it out. I made a decision that impacts my life for an entire year and I feel trapped by that decision. I feel this way with a lot of things so it takes me a long time to commit to ideas. I have a hard time trusting people, choices, and most everything after the devastating end of my marriage and church relationship.

I also struggle with perfectionism and making decisions FREAKS me the heck out. I feel the need to research almost every single thing about life, if not truly everything, to DEATH before I do anything. I literally stopped in Fred Meyer yesterday while shopping to research the two mascaras I was choosing between. They were on clearance (woohoo) but I’d never tried either and even though I don’t even WEAR makeup much anymore and don’t care that much, I couldn’t choose without hearing lots of reasons why I should. I needed thousands of others to convince me this freaking mascara was better than that freaking mascara. I made my choice based on reviews and because it was a different choice than I was going to go with it gave me such bad anxiety that I tossed the mascara on my bathroom counter when I got home and haven’t even glanced at it since and am trying not to think about it. I despise this trait about myself. It has worked wonderfully in many ways but it also wrecks me. I use all sorts of techniques to deal with life as a perfectionist. Perfectionism is how I handled a very challenging childhood. I don’t think I’ll cure myself of it any time soon. The last three years worth of effort, at least, hint at that truth. But I try anyway.

I have probably said too much so I’m going to throw some photos here. And after feeling anxious about sharing this much of me I might come back later tonight and delete all this talking. So if this is still up and it’s weeks later when you’re finding it, wow! Look at me overcoming self criticism and leaving something vulnerable up!

Oh my gosh it’s now more hours later and I’m getting back to this! Brooklyn wanted me to print a cover for her book she’s writing, Lyla had to go potty, Everett had to go potty,  Payson wanted me to beat a difficult level in Plants vs. Zombies 2, Payson wanted to talk about the party he’s putting together, Lyla wanted me to rough house with her, Everett shared some chips with me and danced in the kitchen and lots of other little things.

And Lyla and Ember just followed me to my computer and are asking for things. And Brooklyn just came to ask me to setup and print Sierra’s book cover. So I need to hurry and do this! Ack.

These first few photos are from back when we got a stomach bug. It was total hell. It wasn’t one of those quick and somewhat mild bugs, it was puking and having diarrhea nonstop for hours until you felt like you’d die from pain, weakness, and trauma. It was BAD.

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Lyla and Everett are really close and Lyla stayed near Everett most of the day. Everett had thrown up the evening and night before and by this time was mostly resting. He was so exhausted he slept most of the day.015efbblog

The first thing he got was Gatorade to replenish his electrolytes. My kids LOVE Gatorade.040efbblog

Days later, just a random snap of these two before we left to pick up Brooklyn from school.096efbblog

Everett and Lyla helped me make blueberry muffins. I use the same recipe I’ve used for years now!114efbblog

I made taco soup for dinner that night. It’s been a family favorite for many years now!132efbblog

I was taking a picture of the muffins and right then Lyla grabbed the knife I was using to cut onions! Yikes! Give me that, Lyla! haha146efbblog

This is a different day, Lyla must have liked whatever she was eating. It’s long enough ago now that I don’t remember what it was!159efbblog

Costco, we have been a loyal Costco family for ten years now!!212efbblog

Getting produce! Lyla 100% refuses to sit in the cart these days so I have her on my hip always. Sometimes my back hurts so bad from that position I let her ride on my shoulders instead!220efbblog

Don’t let their adorable faces fool you! They despise shopping and complain like crazy. Often I leave them home while I take the younger four.230efbblog

Instead of getting boxes from Costco I load the groceries up in my reusable shopping bags and carry as many as possible upstairs at a time. It usually takes me at least 3 trips up and down the stairs and oftentimes four!237efbblog

My kids love to get a pizza from Costco.241efbblog247efbblog249efbblog

Before school one morning.256efbblog

Lyla brings toys with her whenever we go anywhere. Her favorite for a while was this baby bottle (which she used for herself) and a couple of animal math counters.271efbblog

If I do anything that isn’t a “mom” task this is how it is done. ANYTHING. With Lyla on my boob. That girl has maybe even beat Ember for lover-of-breastmilk. I don’t know how I’ll ever wean her! It might be a sad ending just like Ember! I told Ember she had to quit breastfeeding when she turned four and she breastfed up until a week after her fourth birthday! She didn’t want to give it up! 278efbblog

Lyla LOVES LOVES LOVES to rough house. She loves all kinds of active playing but one of her top favorites is jumping off of anything into my arms. 285efbblog

This was only a couple days after that last Costco trip, I heard about this insane deal on glasses at Costco, buy one get one some percentage off (I can’t remember exactly how much but I saved a LOT. More than $30 a pair, I think) so I bought new glasses to have extra since Lyla lost my THIRD pair! I have the smallest apartment and yet I can’t find them ANYWHERE. I cleaned the entire place and even moved all my furniture and still can’t find them. But I’ve been super anal about where I keep my glasses (ALWAYS put them in their case if I’m not wearing them and put them up high!) and Lyla hasn’t gotten ahold of them yet!346efbblog

We had the longest winter in the history of the world. (exaggerating) but seriously it has felt like a year of snow. It snowed yesterday a lot. It’s snowy outside today. STOP WITH THE SNOW!348efbblog350efbblog356efbblog

Ember and Lyla were being adorable but I actually just took this to show Lyla’s cute hairdo. A simple twist. Now I just like the picture because of Ember’s laughing face! ♥♥♥360efbblog

They love playing together.364efbblog

At the glasses counter with me while the person there (I’ll need to google their title!) helped me with the fit on my new frames.370efbblog

Everett asked to try them on. He’s waaaay cuter than I am in them ♥373efbblog

And of course Lyla begged to try them after she saw Everett get a turn! haha375efbblog

So while I was at the counter the big four were a few feet away playing on this laptop that was on display and what were they laughing at?404efbblog

Their faces distorted! haha (See my camera in the photo? I carry my big, fat 1dx everywhere lately! I am obsessed with that camera. Love it. I mention it because I’ve thought about selling my cameras in order to have money but I haven’t yet because parting with them will break my heart)401efbblog

My kids always want to try out all the furniture 🙂413efbblog

And we always stop by the book section. And lately I haven’t but I used to buy a book or ten during lots of Costco trips. We don’t anymore but we still browse and long for them. haha (this trip I did buy some! It was before I realized just how poor I am. lol. We can afford food and rent, I’m just running into problems searching for affordable health and dental insurance!!!! ACK, need a better job!)420efbblog

Lyla was SO cranky during that shopping trip I opened up the shredded cheese (her favorite food is cheese) and let her eat it as we waited for the big kids in the bathrooms.432efbblog438efbblog443efbblog

Lyla was acting so concerned about the snow getting on us and the food!451efbblog

The other kids loved it!460efbblog

It was after lunchtime by this point so I got the kids happy meals since we only had a super short time to stop at home and unload the groceries and then we’d have to leave to pick up Brooklyn from school!499efbblog

Picking up Brooklyn looks like:504efbblog510efbblog

And I have many, many more photos but I’m going to go for now! I’m going to go start on taxes! Blech! haha

 

Hello

I haven’t posted here how I’d like to because WordPress made changes to the platform, specifically to writing posts, and I don’t adapt well to changes to blogging platforms. I’m fairly easy going with a lot of other things but not when it comes to how I write and share… just one little area where I don’t want to put in the effort to learn a new system.

But I love blogging and lately my kids have been asking me dozens of questions about their past and while mostly we look through scrapbooks and photo books it’s easier to have that search bar to type in exactly what they asked…

Oh you want to see the time it snowed in Arizona… “snowed in Arizona,” boom… you can see that here.

Oh you want to see what “Sierra looked like as a baby.

Oh you want to hear about when “scorpions” used to get in our house in Arizona.

So I’ve been wanting to pick this blog up again in a consistent way, for their sakes. And for mine. There is therapy in going back and reading from my past self. Listening and seeing my old life from my old perspective.

I’m just going to jump right back into it because there is no easy way for me to transition from not blogging to blogging!

Everett is starting to do handwriting and learning to read (his birthday is in November so he’ll be in kindergarten this next fall, I just wanted to give him a head start) and I’ve noticed he’s been starting to hold his pencils with his entire hand in a fist just like Payson used to so I bought some items on Amazon to help with that. 002efbblog009efbblog012efbblog013efbblog

One day I spotted Lyla on the couch with some stuffed animals pretending to nurse.043efbblog

It was the first time she’d ever pretended to breastfeed a toy.051efbblog

Most days I hold Lyla on my hip as I cook but sometimes I wear her in the ergo when I really need to hands to make something.A (22)efbblog

Lyla climbing the recliner.A (51)efbblog

We eat in the living room on this mat sometimes and I read home school books to the kids.A (70)efbblog

Lyla is still making nonstop messes. I don’t blame her, we’ve been trapped inside for most of the last three months!A (83)efbblog

I had to drop of some legal documents at my lawyer’s office and they said if they weren’t in to just slide them through the slot in the door, or whatever that’s called. 288ebwblog298efbblog

I got another rug. My youngest four love to run laps around the kitchen counter and it’s so loud. 008efbblog

I work in the kitchen a whole lot.027efbblog

We eat scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast every single day.033efbblog

We had some chicken nuggets and ketchup with dinner this night and Lyla had fun fingerpainting her plate.058efbblog

I have a few hundred more photos but I need to go make breakfast because all these kiddos are waking up and wanting food! I’ll try to blog again tomorrow!062efbblog

Grief

Grief

You criminal.
You thief.
I sit in my peace
enveloped in happiness
motivation flowing
through my veins

Without warning
you are here
invading everywhere
my breath catches,
my lungs full of you
my chest aches
my eyes water my cheeks
I slump.

The longing you
discard into my heart
leaving it there to burn
the burning pain
now all I experience
all I’m aware of.

Oh how I hate you,
grief.
How I despise you.

I frantically try
to cast you out
my mind is whirling-
trying to find the
place you entered me.

I’m furious!
How could you do this to me?
How could you come in
and take away my happiness?
Why won’t you leave?

And the knowing of my
powerlessness over you
settles in.
I give up.
You win.
You took those minutes,
hours.
Of my life.

I’m lost in them.
I’m lost.

So I write to you from
the fog.
Knowing you’ll never listen.
But writing anyway.

Fine, grief, keep taking.
Take and take from me.
But I’ll take from you, too!

I will take the lessons
from your presence
I’ll never trust again,
I’ll never love again.
I’ll wrap myself up in
self hatred and solitude
and though loneliness
hurts too,

NOTHING hurts as much
as you do!