My thoughts tonight.

It is so hard to keep up with laundry. I have to do at least one load of laundry every single day just to keep up with the basics. When it’s time to wash sheets or other bedding, oh my gosh! It feels almost impossible.

I might’ve pulled a muscle around my armpit yesterday but I can’t remember doing anything that would warrant that and don’t remember it hurting at all until I woke up this morning. But it has hurt all day, a lot. Am I just aging? Is this what being 35 is? Aches and pains and no memory of an activity that caused it? Probably.

I started taking fish oil pills for the first time in my life. My therapist recommended an amino acid (I think that’s what it was) because I’ve been so down lately (downright depressed maybe?) and it’s situational depression and not chemical so antidepressants aren’t a good fit for me. I guess this amino acid is supposed to help but when I looked it up it said it wasn’t safe to take while breastfeeding and Lyla is still breastfeeding so while researching I found some women talking about how they take fish oil instead and it helps? I don’t know but I started taking them and I’ll let you know if they help.

I also take prenatals and vitamin D regularly and those help a lot and I had been out for a whole month so maybe that had something to do with it.

Lyla broke my glasses, literally pulled them off my face and then pulled them apart and one of the handles? (what are those things called- that go on your ear?) broke clear off. I tried to super glue it back on and it didn’t work. I hot glued it, didn’t work. I used packing tape and that worked for a few days and then fell apart, too. I finally just ordered two new pairs from eyebuydirect because they’re so cheap there ($9 frames). I’m nervous to get them because I couldn’t try them on so maybe they’ll look awful on me. I already feel self conscious wearing glasses after a lifetime of not wearing them so I don’t particularly want to also hate the look of the pair I have to wear, but we’ll see. I’ll take a picture when they come and show you and you can tell me what you think, too.

It cost me $2,000 to get this domain name, mysweetchaos, back. I think I mentioned that on arianaloves.com but maybe here, too? It was a BIG deal! $2,000?!?! I was annoyed.

My aunt died and left me some money and that’s how I afforded it. I would love to talk more about my aunt, I wish I could see her again… I don’t want to talk a lot about her here because it feels personal to her but I will tell you I love her and miss her.
I am spending the rest of that money on college. I love that feeling whenever I spend her money and think: Wanda bought me this. It feels like she’s still with me in some way.

I applied to college and they said I needed act/sat scores and those tests are quite a ways away so I’m stuck waiting to reapply until after October and I’m seriously bummed about it. It feels like a part of my life is on hold and it makes me uneasy. I like to take control of what I can to help my future along and I can’t right now. I’m just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Nervous and waiting.

It is so hard to put 6 kids to bed alone every night. Why do my kids fight bedtime so much? I’m so exhausted I can’t function and yet they would stay up practically all night if I didn’t force them to sleep. Why? Why do they fight it? Maybe I should look into the science of that because it is really aggravating and hard to understand.

Have I mentioned that I literally get zero alone time these days? No joke… zero. It’s so depleting. And yet, I adore my kids and can’t imagine not being in this phase of life. It’s a weird mix of feelings!

I started using clicklist from Fred Meyer where you order groceries online and then just park at Fred Meyer and they bring the groceries to your car and load your trunk for you. It is an actual life saver that I can’t imagine living without. Going to the store is torture with 6 kids. I don’t know how I did that for so many years. I had so much patience. I really did. I even loved shopping with my kids for most of my adult life. Now it overwhelms me. I end up with half my cart filled with things I didn’t plan for that my kids asked me for while shopping and I say yes to without even realizing they’re asking me something because I’m so focused on trying to remember what I came for while 6 people talk/whine/cry/and/or/scream at me the entire time. I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Clicklist forever.

I could type forever. Am I boring you? I should go to bed. I love typing. I feel better. Maybe I’ll have less anxiety falling to sleep tonight.

9 thoughts on “My thoughts tonight.

  • I have followed your blog on and off for years (since 2 Peas!), and am always in awe of your strength. I’m sorry to hear you are alone now. I will tell you, I have been alone, and there is great light on the other side. Keep doing you, you’ll do great!

    • Thank you! I sure do miss the 2peas days. I know there was a lot of fighting but it was my little online friend group where I could go to talk about anything. I don’t have anything like that anymore. If you blog, let me know and I’ll check it out. I miss my old friends!
      Have you been through a divorce? It sounded like maybe you had from your comment. I’d love to chat about that.

      • Yes, I have! Can you see my email from the comments? I am happy to chat! Send me an email!

  • I found you on two peas, also! You know they moved and it’s a kinder supportive bunch. I have loved watching your kids grow up and you just amaze me with the kind of mother you are. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. Is there a teenager or little older neighborhood girl that could give you some relief sometimes? What are you going to college to study? I love watching your vlogs and the bike ride videos. I hope you guys are enjoying summer.

  • I also follow you from 2peas. I have enjoyed watching your family grow and am happy you are blogging! I must have missed the divorce, I thought you and your husband were back together. So sorry you are doing this on your own! You got this!

  • I follow you because I am in the Bloom forums. When taking fish oil for depression make sure to take enough- you need at LEAST 1000mg of EPA (listed on the back of the bottle). Another supplement that helps anxiety and sleep is magnesium! You could take 250-500mg and your kids 25-250 depending on weight. It is a miracle worker!

Leave a Reply