April was a pretty awful month. September 2015 was probably the worst of my life, but April was a close second. When I found out about stuff my husband did, and I’m sorry I’m vague but you know- there are just some stories you don’t tell on the internet, Allan didn’t kill anyone or anything, haha. He just betrayed me by doing things I require he not do in our marriage, and when I found out back in September I went through major trauma and shock. I used to call my mom at all hours of the night in despair and she listened while I’d sob for hours to her. She was my anchor. I really have been blown away by her and her strength and her love the last year. I always knew she fiercely loves people in her life but to hear her supportive words and see her be so strong in such devastating times is really inspirational.
My grandma, one of my favorite people in the whole world, died in April. She was turning 88. My dad, her son, is 55 this year and I’m 33 this year. 33, 55, 88.
I lived with her for many months as a teenager, along with my dad, and we were an inseparable trio. The three of us have always had a really special bond, some of the very very very happiest memories of my life were all those times I lived with her and my dad and gosh, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time and be that 15, 16, 17, and 18 year old sitting in my grandma’s living room and talking the days away.
She died exactly a week before my very first court appearance for my divorce. The court appearance was causing me massive anxiety, so much so that I didn’t sleep more than two hours a night for a full week. I was feeling like I was going to have a heart attack from the stress and sleep deprivation. I begged my mom to drive the 6 hours to come and stay with me when I had to go to court because I didn’t think I could handle the stress and be alone raising my 5 kids!! She agreed to come and I looked forward to that a lot. It was my anchor in the stormy seas of my life last month.
And then my grandma died. It happened so suddenly. She got sick at the end of one week and by Monday she was gone. And I couldn’t go to her funeral. It was painful. Emotionally so painful.
The weekend my mom was coming arrived, the weekend after my grandma died, and I’ve never been so happy in my life to see her. I, of course, always have loved my mom but to hug and be with someone you trust and love after months of being hurt by someone else you thought loved you, was so powerful. Seeing her on my porch felt like being smothered by clouds of happiness and comfort.
So, one thing about my mom you should know is she may be the most forgiving person on the planet. I don’t know how or why or what made her that way but she is endlessly forgiving… she gives people chance after chance. And she really doesn’t hold grudges when she does that, either. She forgives and forgets and expects the best. So when she heard that Allan had been hanging out with me and the kids a lot that month (despite the divorce going forward, weird I know) she invited him to have dinner and ice cream with us. Her goal from day one has always been reconciliation for our family.
So it was pretty darn weird, having her around to support me as I suffered through the trauma of the court proceedings, and then having her invite Allan over, and hanging out all together. But then having gone to court and hearing the words Allan’s lawyer said about me which were untrue and I was annoyed about… it was just a freaking SWIRL of conflicting emotions that week. I’m SO GLAD she was there for me!! haha
She also comforted me after we met Allan for dinner as I cried in the car driving over to the ice cream shop. I don’t know how I managed to pull myself together to even get out of the car and go get ice cream with the family but I guess it was because of her support!!
I realize blogging right now is crazy and probably confusing and obviously that’s why I haven’t been!! I don’t know how to talk about things I’m barely understanding as they happen! haha
So I guess I’ll just say, the last 8 months have been awful. And confusing. And they’re still kinda not fun or at least, not easy, and still very confusing but I’m healing myself from the inside out (online therapy, support friends who are going through the same thing with their husbands, prayer and scriptures, and many self help books!) and all I have to do every day is trust God and my own ability to attack my wrong beliefs and thoughts this whole situation has triggered… and that’s all I need to do. No one person, no person, can hurt or heal us. It’s US. I have to seek out help to heal myself, with God at the center of that, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else does at that point. Doesn’t matter what my life is, where I’m going, what I’m doing… as long as I’m centered on God and truth and working on myself. Everything else will fall into place wherever it falls into place. It won’t even look pretty or “right” most of the time, probably. Has it ever? Has God ever cared about life looking pretty or following a path that’s clear of weeds or obstructions or peril? Nope. Doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. Just means you better be strong and have the right tools to walk it. And that’s what I’m working on. Not worrying about what paths others are on, not worrying about what is ON the path I’m walking, worrying only about it leading to God, and working on being strong enough to handle it and having the right tools (therapy, knowledge, God, safe friends) to conquer it as I go.
So yeah, that’s where I am right now. And here are pictures from when my mom came, this was early April.
My mom is going to come visit again when Lyla’s two weeks old. I’m looking forward to that!