This is Me Venting

Sometimes life decides to poop in your cheerios. And then take out the soggy mess of cheerio poop from the bowl and throw it in your face.

That’s what lately has been. A daily throwing of poop into my face. I’m worn out.

I am raising 5 kids alone and am 6 months pregnant. The horrible leg cramps and nerve pain has started, like it does in each of my pregnancies around this time. I wake up from nightmares about my husband every single stinking night still. How can I stop those!? I hate nightmares. I wake up in a full panic attack at least once every night. I always had bad nightmares in my other pregnancies but usually they were of a serial killer trying to  kill my entire family and I’d wake up startled but easily able to use logic to chase away my fears and go back to sleep. This time how do you chase away fears from nightmares that are true?! My life did fall apart. Everything I dream did happen, is happening.

It is more difficult to fall back to sleep because I have to fully sit up and use the tools I have learned in therapy to calm myself down.

I’m already tired, too, because I’ve been sick nonstop since November! My kids are bringing home every virus that exists and I get it from them and it lasts forever since I’m pregnant and my immune system isn’t at full capacity.

Then the stupid freaking daylight savings time comes and steals a full hour of my sleep!! I couldn’t deal with that time change and last night turned off my alarm for today. I was just like, most of us are sick, I’m going to wake up only when Everett wakes up… to hell with getting the kids to school. I’m going to actually die I’m so sick and tired and physically depleted.

So today Everett woke up at 11am! That’s really like 10am but that’s pretty great! And especially because I woke up three freaking times last night from nightmares and anxiety! AND this morning starting at 7am Payson and Ember started coming into my room and tapping me on the face to ask for a million things. Food of course, video games, candy, TV, games, etc. My kids are truly the worst at using whenever I’m sick to badger me about things. They don’t just come and ask for attention either, it’s always for treats. Like, oh it looks like mom might actually die so this is a perfect time to ask for candy!!

Also since I slept late I didn’t put my garbage and recycling out early and missed the garbage truck so I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the garbage that will accumulate this week. Darn.

And the very worst part of everything is because I decided to sleep, which was a good decision for my physical survival, I now have all 5 kids to take with me to the grocery store because we are beyond out of food. We literally have some potatoes, a few cans of beans and vegetables, and baking stuff and that’s it! I’m out of butter, cheese, milk, eggs, bread… everything else. I was supposed to go to the grocery store this weekend but I’m about to blog why I didn’t… we ended up making a trip to the urgent care with Payson instead!

So, if you’re still around after reading all that, cool! I try not to just plain old vent much but I absolutely hate blogs that only share the highlight reels of their lives. I think it’s unauthentic and damaging to not share actual life with all the ups and downs.

 

 

 

 

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