Reality vs. Porn


My 10 and 12 year old daughters walked into the kitchen as I was plucking the leaves and outer petals from the flower on the right and exclaimed in horror, “Mom, what are you doing?! You’re going to kill it! It’s going to die!”

Inside I was nodding… yes, yes it will. The insides will rot and fester, the flower will start to wilt and droop, and if I were a porn producer I’d either add more paint, get someone new to paint and alter or use surgery to perk things back up and put them back into whatever place I thought they should be. In the case of flowers rather than humans it would be wires and props to hold the aging/dying thing upright.

My daughters asked, startled, why I would do that to the flowers I’d just bought, why was I ruining them? I told them it was for an art project. I asked them what they thought of magazines and images they see in the world. Without hesitation they started talking about the women they see on magazine covers and in commercials. I hadn’t even specified what magazine I was asking about. The magazines we purchase and have in our home are Highlights, Animal Tales, and Country Living, sometimes Real Simple. And yet they immediately thought of the ones they’ve seen in the few minutes we spend at the checkout aisle in stores with women altered with hair and makeup and wardrobe and poses to look completely unlike the women they see in real life.

I asked them as I plucked, why do women shave the hair from their armpits (plucking a leaf out and holding it up to show them as I said the word armpits), shave their legs (hold up another leaf I’ve just plucked), pull out parts of their eyebrows (another leaf) and that’s considered the best for us? I dropped the now bare flower next to one unharmed and asked them, “Honestly, which flower do you like better?” They each picked up an unaltered flower from the bouquet to admire and said, these ones! As they held the flowers to their nose to smell I started to paint the bare flower and we talked about makeup. I told them how I wished I was brave enough to just be me without feeling like I should pull out hair from my body or smear products on my face but that I wasn’t there yet and that I hoped that they would forever love how beautiful they are the way God purposefully created them to be.

I left the analogy with body hair and makeup as they don’t know about porn and how in that industry the pressure and expectation for women is to also alter themselves surgically and with tanning and bleaching and maybe many others things I have no idea about.

And for what? Why are we altering ourselves? For who? Do we really need to? Is that flower on the right pretty to you? Is it ideal or better than?

I am in love with the flower on the left. I wish I had the nerve to be that natural flower and not even do the few things I do to conform to someone else’s beauty standards. I’m working hard to look in the mirror after a shower, just me and my skin and my face and my body and see a beautiful flower instead of all the ways I’m am so unlike the altered version everyone seems to desire.

This is Me Venting

Sometimes life decides to poop in your cheerios. And then take out the soggy mess of cheerio poop from the bowl and throw it in your face.

That’s what lately has been. A daily throwing of poop into my face. I’m worn out.

I am raising 5 kids alone and am 6 months pregnant. The horrible leg cramps and nerve pain has started, like it does in each of my pregnancies around this time. I wake up from nightmares about my husband every single stinking night still. How can I stop those!? I hate nightmares. I wake up in a full panic attack at least once every night. I always had bad nightmares in my other pregnancies but usually they were of a serial killer trying toΒ  kill my entire family and I’d wake up startled but easily able to use logic to chase away my fears and go back to sleep. This time how do you chase away fears from nightmares that are true?! My life did fall apart. Everything I dream did happen, is happening.

It is more difficult to fall back to sleep because I have to fully sit up and use the tools I have learned in therapy to calm myself down.

I’m already tired, too, because I’ve been sick nonstop since November! My kids are bringing home every virus that exists and I get it from them and it lasts forever since I’m pregnant and my immune system isn’t at full capacity.

Then the stupid freaking daylight savings time comes and steals a full hour of my sleep!! I couldn’t deal with that time change and last night turned off my alarm for today. I was just like, most of us are sick, I’m going to wake up only when Everett wakes up… to hell with getting the kids to school. I’m going to actually die I’m so sick and tired and physically depleted.

So today Everett woke up at 11am! That’s really like 10am but that’s pretty great! And especially because I woke up three freaking times last night from nightmares and anxiety! AND this morning starting at 7am Payson and Ember started coming into my room and tapping me on the face to ask for a million things. Food of course, video games, candy, TV, games, etc. My kids are truly the worst at using whenever I’m sick to badger me about things. They don’t just come and ask for attention either, it’s always for treats. Like, oh it looks like mom might actually die so this is a perfect time to ask for candy!!

Also since I slept late I didn’t put my garbage and recycling out early and missed the garbage truck so I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the garbage that will accumulate this week. Darn.

And the very worst part of everything is because I decided to sleep, which was a good decision for my physical survival, I now have all 5 kids to take with me to the grocery store because we are beyond out of food. We literally have some potatoes, a few cans of beans and vegetables, and baking stuff and that’s it! I’m out of butter, cheese, milk, eggs, bread… everything else. I was supposed to go to the grocery store this weekend but I’m about to blog why I didn’t… we ended up making a trip to the urgent care with Payson instead!

So, if you’re still around after reading all that, cool! I try not to just plain old vent much but I absolutely hate blogs that only share the highlight reels of their lives. I think it’s unauthentic and damaging to not share actual life with all the ups and downs.





Dentist and Obgyn!















Brooke had a dentist appointment and ironically I have no pictures of her from the day since she was back having her teeth cleaned.















The next day was my 6 month checkup with my obgyn. I was dreading it since Everett is really difficult at appointments, he screams or wants to run everywhere and get into everything… it’s awful. But this time he fell asleep in the car and stayed asleep when I moved him to the stroller and slept the whole time!! And the gray on his face is from when he was rubbing eyeshadow all over himself while I did my makeup that morning. He copies everything I do lately and it’s pretty sweet πŸ™‚
































I let the girls bring the tablet to keep busy because this particular office has the longest wait times. If I had more emotional energy I’d find a new doctor just in hopes of not waiting for half my life in the waiting room.































The girls climbed up onto the exam table while we waited and laughed hysterically for a good ten minutes straight while pretending they were going to have surgery.
























































Once the doctor did come in it was back to the tablet.




























Everything looks good with Lyla and me. I have to do the glucose test in a couple weeks and I’m not looking forward to that. I’m dreading the blood draw more than drinking the nasty drink. Hopefully it goes well and they don’t stab me more than once!

Last Thursday!















I can’t believe this was a week ago already. Time goes so painfully slow and yet you look back and it flew by. How does that work?!

In the daytime while Brooke and Payson were at school I printed out some stuff for Ember to do. Sierra and Everett joined in though because it was so fun!

This cute blog had is where I got the printables.


























And then that evening there was a family night at Payson’s school. They had a hot dog dinner and the book fair was going on so we did both. I planned on only getting Payson a book but in the end everyone got something because I’m a sucker for books and I feel badly that my kids’ lives have turned upside down and sometimes I guess I think buying them something special is good?




















































Why is the Normal so Insane?















I’m so busy it’s insane. Sometimes when I’m so stressed I feel like I could lay down and die I tell myself that women all over the world and all through time have had to raise children alone for a thousand different reasons and if they did it, surely I can? I tell myself each and every morning while I’m laying in bed listening to the stupid alarm going off at the crack of dawn… you don’t want to do any of this, but you’re going to do it anyway. And then I get up and work my ass off for 16 hours until I crawl into bed so tired I can barely move at the end of the day.

And whatdya know, here I am with a house full of kids who are fed and semi regularly bathed and wearing clean clothes and seemingly happier than they were 5 months ago so, I guess just doing things you don’t want to do works.















I told Sierra she could make treats for the missionaries if she wanted. She was so excited about it and did the whole recipe by herself and the cookies turned out so good!



























This was the next day, I got the mixer out to make bread and Everett climbed up on the counter to help out. Seriously moms, HOW do you keep your toddler off the counter?!














Making artisan bread. We could live off homemade bread.















One day I was making dinner and letting Everett “help” by stirring a few things in a bowl. He was watching me stir our actual dinner and he most definitely knows when I’m giving him “crap” jobs to do to keep him busy so he abandoned his bowl and spoon and came over to try to help me stir a pot of boiling noodles! As he reached for the spoon I told him “No, it’s too hot.” And his heart broke and he cried. It was so sad! He is so determined to be helpful and be a part of everything I do and I let him be involved with most things and it’s just sad when their actual skill and capabilities prevent them from helping with certain things. There’s nothing to do but give some comfort and try to find something else they can help with that’s safe.















Allan came over that night to hang out with the kids. That’s why I have pictures of us making whipped cream.







































Strawberries and whipped cream is a current favorite in our family.



























Fixed It!!

I don’t know if anyone has noticed but if you used to try to click on page 2 or next page at the bottom of my blog it’d take you to an error screen and not any more of my blog! It was driving me crazy! I finally figured out how to fix it (messed around in the permalinks section of my blog settings) so you can finally look at other pages besides this first one. Whew!















But if I’m wrong and you click the next page links at the bottom and they don’t work, ugh- let me know and I’ll try to google up a new solution!

Fly a Kite