I was sad all day today. I cried a dozen times. Allan has decided that not only is he going through with the divorce but he refuses to leave lawyers out of it. I’m upset about that because I thought we agreed on everything… why do we need lawyers? But he insists.
My kids are emotional messes right now. I feel so badly for them. I spend most of my meetings with my therapist getting advice on what to tell them when they ask their dozens and dozens of questions. What to say when they see me cry, what to say when they cry. I read a lot about helping kids through divorce. Things I’ve read and heard have helped a lot. The kids are still sad that their eternal family is broken apart but at least they understand the reason and that it has nothing to do with them and that they still have their original family, just one person is in a different home.
And me… I’m not adjusting well to anything. My whole life feels ruined. If I ever am stupid and start thinking about tomorrow or the next week or heaven forbid, next year, I go in a tailspin of sadness that is hard to climb out of. My future is bleak and depressing and I don’t like thinking about it. Everyone tells me to have hope and things will improve but I don’t believe it. Everything I wanted in life is destroyed, how is there hope?!
After crying for the 10th or 20th time today I decided to stop wallowing in my broken family and work with what I have left. There is a part of it… me and my kids. And though I absolutely hate this new reality I don’t have a choice over it so I might as well just DO it. I decided it was a perfect Monday to start up Family Home Evenings. That’s an LDS thing. I went ahead and started off with the first lesson out of the resource book which was on building families through home evenings. I was worried about how it would go talking about eternal families in this awful time but it went well. We were able to talk about each person in the family and how important each person in the family was to every other person and how we could strengthen each other.
I made a super simple little chart to rotate names and responsibilities and we hung it on our white board. The kids were a bit hyper, like they’ve been nonstop the last few weeks, but I kept things together and mostly calm between everyone. We played a board game after the lesson and then had homemade dessert. It was nice. We’ll do it every Monday night now.
I used this earlier ultrasound picture of Lyla to talk about what babies need and what members of the family provide that for them and how perfect of a plan it was to create a family for babies and kids to come into with parents to take care of them and also siblings to help each other. We took turns coming up with needs people have and talking about who meets those needs in the world. It went well 🙂
This picture was actually supposed to go in yesterday’s post but it was on a different memory card so, here it is today. ha