I’m not doing well today. Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had. Allan started sleeping in our extra area upstairs a couple months ago and then started looking at apartments a month ago. I was so hurt and traumatized by everything in the beginning that I wanted him out so I didn’t have to see him and be reminded of the pain every single day. I planned my future alone and changed my furniture and art and pictures and bedding and thought, going forward just as Ariana, I can do this. I’ll survive and learn to thrive and this doesn’t have to kill me.
Allan finished moving out the very last of his things yesterday and then we took the kids over to the apartment to see it and have dinner there. We’ve told the older kids what’s going on but that they’ll see dad almost as much as before, maybe more often in some ways as they have entire days with just him. And we told the littlest kids that they have two homes now. We took toys and games to Allan’s place and we don’t call it “Allan’s place” to them. We call it “our apartment” so that they feel as much ownership there as the house. I don’t want them to feel like their dad left and has this other life. I want them to feel like they have a family in two different places and are a part of both locations.
I was surprised yesterday by my reaction. I cried all day. I thought I’d feel something different, I don’t know why, than total devastation. It’s felt like my husband died and my marriage died for a long time now but seeing it all happen, watching him leave, watching his stuff go, made it very real. My marriage really is over and my husband really is gone and I’m totally alone and there wasn’t anything I did to cause it. That’s just so painful. There’s nothing happy about separation. People keep asking me what I look forward to, what’s the positive, and they tell me I’m strong and making good decisions and handling this with my kids well and I know that that’s true and that the future isn’t going to be as painful as right now but right now is all I feel. And it hurts so freaking bad.
I didn’t get married to lose my husband. I didn’t start a family to have it broken. I don’t want to be pregnant alone. I don’t want to raise kids alone. I don’t like sleeping without a best friend in my bed. And to remember things and know the whole thing was a horrible lie. It’s just so painful! Sometimes I wish I’d never found out what I did. Yeah, my life was a lie but I was happy in my ignorance. Though Allan was getting worse and worse and I didn’t know why. But now I’m hurting. I’m hurting from someone else’s actions. I’m alone and it’s someone else’s fault but it’s also mine for falling for all the lies. Why didn’t I listen to his actions when we were dating over his words?! I wanted so desperately to find someone who was going to be loyal and take care of me (emotionally) and be a loving, spiritual partner that I ignored all the feelings and all the red flags and just clung to his words, which were all lies, so strongly.
And now I’m paying for it. You marry a liar and you just get pain. I wish I hadn’t been so trusting. I was an honest person, am an honest person, and just assumed people were being honest with me. I guess I always thought liars looked and acted like liars. I didn’t get that they could act so much like saints and sweet, sensitive people. I didn’t know that.
I just don’t know how I thought that the bad guys looked like bad guys, not like good guys. How stupid I was! And now I hurt. I really can’t believe this is my life. I really thought my marriage was forever. I really don’t understand why someone hurts the person they say they love. I really don’t understand. Why when you find someone who loves you so much do you do the ONE thing on earth that could hurt them and make them leave? WHY?!?! There was literally ONE thing that is a deal breaker and he did it. I just don’t understand. It makes me feel so unloved and used and makes the world feel dark, mean, and scary.
I have all my kids today and they’re so very needy. This whole thing has made them emotional messes. I do my very best to be there for them and talk to them and not cry in front of them and make life feel normal but today is too hard. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. But I can’t. Ember just pooped and is screaming at me to come wipe her and Everett just pooped and needs a new diaper and Everett also dumped his bowl of cereal on the ground and I need to clean that and I need to do the dishes that I didn’t do yesterday and a million other things.
Today is too much. I wish I lived by my family.