Coping with the Unbearably Lonely Nights

I should start out by saying that I do cry a couple times during the day, every day. But for the most part I’m okay. I’m busy, I’m homeschooling and cleaning and cooking and being with my kids, it’s light out and it’s noisy and chaotic… I’m okay. A bit shaky sometimes, overly emotional compared to how I used to be, but in general I’m doing okay.
But the nights. They’re unbearable! I cry a lot at night. I write and cry. I listen to music and cry. I watch movies and cry. I read books and cry.

So I guess I’m no expert on dealing with the grief and loneliness but I do have some things I do that help me cry less. Okay, okay, some nights I still cry myself to sleep…

The first thing I did was buy new bedding and basically redo my room. It’s my sacred space now. It’s 100% Ariana. Everything is girly and simple and it makes me feel special because everything I picked was everything that made me happy when I saw it in the store.
The papers taped to the wall are little love notes Ember made me and taped up there all by herself. I haven’t had the heart to take them down, I smile every night when I crawl into bed and see them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can see a twin bed off in the back corner from when Allan and I shared this room and Everett was cosleeping. We bought the twin to scoot him into after I’d nurse him to sleep so we’d have the whole queen bed to ourselves. The twin bed is now going to Allan’s apartment and I’ll just have the queen to share with Everett. And in a few months with baby #6, too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My all time favorite material possessions dealing with separation have been, in this order of importance, my cell phone, my iPad mini, and my new laptop.
My cell phone has been a lifeline as I call and text with lots of friends day and night. Having a support group, knowing there’s always someone there when I reach out and need to connect, is the best thing ever. I’ve also been taking 99% of my pictures with my cell phone since it’s so easy. I know that’s horrible but… it’s just so easy!
My iPad mini is my second favorite. I listen to all my music on there, I read all my kindle books on there, I watch Netflix on there (every night now!) as I fall asleep… I LOVE the iPad mini. I got mine a year ago for less than $200 on clearance. I love clearance. haha
And my newest possession is an HP laptop. I didn’t research or anything when I went to buy one, I just looked for the cheapest one in the store and that’s exactly what I got! I have wanted a laptop for AGES but couldn’t justify the purchase until now. It’s been worth every single penny to be able to do all my internet stuff in bed as I breastfeed Everett to sleep every night. I love my desktop computer for some things (printing, photo editing…) but this laptop is a new favorite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everett is quite fond of it, too. Which is dangerous so I keep it shut in its carrying case when I’m not using it! haha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the thing that helps the most is something that seems like a burden to so many others. Cosleeping. I had actually tried many things in the last year to get Everett to sleep in his own bed, I was SO ready to be done cosleeping and how funny that he turned out to be my most stubborn about staying close to mama and here we are, him in my bed, snuggled up next to me, and me comforted by it! Little blessings I’m thankful for. I wouldn’t in a million years purposefully pull my kids into my bed with me during this separation for my own comfort but since Everett already cosleeps, it’s been nice. Ember only climbs into my bed once or twice a month so this was one of those rare nights. They were so cute sleeping by me as I watched a movie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s what most nights after 10pm look like in my house… I’ve been really sick for a really long time (seeing a doctor tomorrow!) so I have chamomile tea every night.

5 thoughts on “Coping with the Unbearably Lonely Nights

  • Good for you, treating yourself to some items just for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. It would be tough enough without being pregnant. You have the spirit to get through it though! Hope the doctor can help with your illness.

  • Ariana, I've followed you for what seems like years. Although a complete stranger, your strength and authenticity has drawn me to you. Your newly decorated bedroom is beautiful and feminine. Your babies are amazing. I haven't been divorced so I have no idea what you are going through and I won't pretend to. Know you have someone in Minnesota thinking about you and praying for you as you begin this new chapter in your life.

  • Ariana — I totally second everything that Sara and Becky said. I went through a divorce with 1 small baby — I have no idea how you are handling such a big load. But you are doing it. And remember that being a strong and loving mama is the best thing to get you and your kids through this incredibly difficult time in your lives. I love your new bedroom (that was one of the first things I did for myself when my ex moved out.) I love that you have sweet notes from Ember! Constant reminders of how much your sweet babies love you. Hang in there and know that many "cyber friends" are pulling for you and praying for you as you face this new phase of your life. Lisa D. in FLA

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