Baby #6’s GENDER!!

Guess what’s in this belly:
























It’s a…



























We are so freaking excited to have another little girl in the family! I would’ve been happy either way but having a baby girl is so much fun I’m dying of excitement!!
I got out all of Ember and Everett’s old baby stuff to sort through everything and see what would work for this baby. I’m super excited because the only things I need to buy are a couple newborn gowns, and a swing! I have everything I need for this baby!! I’m so glad. I feel like crying with joy every time I think about how much baby stuff I have and don’t have to buy on my small budget. I’m so glad I kept everything from my other babies!















I did buy ONE splurge item and that’s a Project Life album and supplies for baby’s first year. I couldn’t not do it! And yes we’ve had a name picked out for a girl for forever. I really wanted to name Ember Lyla and now I get to use the name!















I am not printing as many pictures for her album as I did for Everett’s because Everett has two FULL albums from his first year! Yikes. I’m going to only print one belly shot from each month of pregnancy and only add 4 total ultrasound pictures. With Everett I used up 8 whole pages on pregnancy/ultrasound photos!! Crazy.




























Everett loves scrapbooks. He loves flipping through and pointing to everyone 🙂



Normally for breakfast I eat an egg and roasted vegetables (zucchini and squash) but since it was grocery shopping day I was out of eggs. I ate one of these oatmeal cups from Costco and about died of food joy. They are WAY too expensive to eat regularly (I bought it for when I’m in a super rush and would normally skip breakfast) at like $2 a cup, but they are SO good!















The three littlest kids wanted to play outside even though it was so freaking cold! We had fun, though.















Everett tripped.















Ember tripped over Everett.


Then we went to Wal-Mart to buy Everett some new clothes (finally fully outgrown his 18 month stuff and is in 2T!) and get some food for dinner.















Ember needed new shoes so I bought her some.















Well done Wal-Mart with your giant bin of temptation right at the front of the store. Sierra used the last of her birthday money for a box.


We had something easy for dinner since I was so dead tired. Spaghetti and garlic bread. I put Payson’s meat sauce over rice, luckily he LOVES it.


And homemade brownies for dessert. Holy crap homemade baked goods are such a good idea. They cost pennies and your kids feel like they’ve been spoiled 🙂


Coping with Life

Thursday we started the day with some Strawberry Shortcake on Netflix after taking Brooke and Payson to school. I’m going to cancel TV since it’s too expensive for me now but we’re so freaking lucky that we have Netflix these days. $8 for a bunch of shows!! Amazing, huh?














I failed miserably taking photos the rest of the day until the evening when my usual loneliness and overwhelmedness kicked in and I decided I couldn’t spend one more second in the house and took the kids somewhere virtually free… Barnes and Noble! Sierra had birthday money so we had a reason to go anyway. She got a couple cute stuffed raccoons there.
My view:















Everett was so thrilled to play with the trains. He’s really gotten into trains since Christmas when he got a little wooden Mickey Mouse train set. He picked up each train he could at the store and showed me and said, “Choo, Choo!”















Sierra browsing the stuffed animals!


We got home and the older girls ran straight to Brooke’s room to play with Sierra’s new toys. I snuck up on them with Everett and opened the door quickly and said, “GirlsI’mgoingtomakedinnernow!” and they got startled and Everett busted up laughing.

Dinner Thursday was pancakes, sausage, and eggs. We rarely do breakfast for dinner since I don’t particularly like breakfast foods but we decided to make it a new Thursday night tradition since the kids LOVE it.













I haven’t skipped a meal since Tuesday. I’ve still been sad and stressed but decided any time I feel overwhelmed I’m just going to tell myself what I can change about the situation and let go of the rest.


There was a little flour left in the bowl and Payson and Everett were playing with it and some measuring cups. I thought that was a great way to keep Everett entertained while I cooked up the pancakes.















But what I didn’t realize was that I left the open bag of flour on the counter next to the bowl.

I sent Payson off for a bath and took a bunch of pictures before spending 10 minutes cleaning up all the flour.



Going on Right Now

I let my kids decide dinners this week. This is our menu that we went shopping for yesterday:

Tonight: chicken pot pie
Wednesday: asian lettuce wraps
Thursday: pancakes, sausage, and eggs
Friday: rotisserie chicken and potatoes

Something making me sad and causing me to use all my anxiety calm down tools from therapy is: my husband got a lawyer and filed for divorce behind my back.
Something make me happy this week is the baby kicking so hard I can feel it from the outside and very soon I get the really cute ultrasound… where you can see their face clearly and all that.

Things going on: yesterday: I went to the doctor to have a lump on my neck checked out. All 5 kids were home since we’re all sick so that was an adventure. I then had to go to the pharmacy to have an iron prescription filled since I’m severely anemic. I have to have an extra obgyn appointment this week since I’ve lost 6 pounds and can’t gain it back (from stress)

Today the kids are all home again. I need to call and schedule a dentist appointment for myself and I need to find a babysitter! I don’t know how to do that. Advice? I’m super picky because I’m paranoid my kids will be molested. By pretty much everyone. Yeah, I’m overprotective.

I have to go to the bank today to figure out what’s going on. My husband opened his own account (the day he got the divorce filed) and took half our savings and put it in his own account. He says he left half the savings but I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on… I’m not sure what to do about the mortgage and all the other bills either. He didn’t talk to me about any of this, just separated our money and I’m left completely clueless on what to do financially right now. Did this happen to anyone else? What should I do?

If I can’t find a babysitter today I’m going to have to cancel my therapy appointment tonight and I really don’t want to because I’m in desperate need of advice.

When a lawyer showed up at my door out of the blue one afternoon to serve me the divorce papers I had a nervous breakdown. I cried for hours before finally calling my mom when I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore. She told me lots of things and gave me lots of good scriptures that helped me feel better. This one scripture she told me in 2 Timothy I looked up while we were talking and laughed because I’d previously highlighted the entire chapter!

Cafe Rio

Everett was SO cute at Cafe Rio. He kept pointing to all the food through the glass and saying, “Mmmm” and he waved to each employee and said hi and he caught site of the limes and joyously called out while pointing to them, “Apple!” which sounds like appoh and is the cutest thing in the whole wide world. He calls ALL fruits apple, even bananas! It’s funny and cute, he used to call bananas bana. But now all fruit= apple. I’ll tell him the right name of fruits but secretly love that he still calls them all apple anyway ♥

He Moved Out

I’m not doing well today. Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had. Allan started sleeping in our extra area upstairs a couple months ago and then started looking at apartments a month ago. I was so hurt and traumatized by everything in the beginning that I wanted him out so I didn’t have to see him and be reminded of the pain every single day. I planned my future alone and changed my furniture and art and pictures and bedding and thought, going forward just as Ariana, I can do this. I’ll survive and learn to thrive and this doesn’t have to kill me.

Allan finished moving out the very last of his things yesterday and then we took the kids over to the apartment to see it and have dinner there. We’ve told the older kids what’s going on but that they’ll see dad almost as much as before, maybe more often in some ways as they have entire days with just him. And we told the littlest kids that they have two homes now. We took toys and games to Allan’s place and we don’t call it “Allan’s place” to them. We call it “our apartment” so that they feel as much ownership there as the house. I don’t want them to feel like their dad left and has this other life. I want them to feel like they have a family in two different places and are a part of both locations.

I was surprised yesterday by my reaction. I cried all day. I thought I’d feel something different, I don’t know why, than total devastation. It’s felt like my husband died and my marriage died for a long time now but seeing it all happen, watching him leave, watching his stuff go, made it very real. My marriage really is over and my husband really is gone and I’m totally alone and there wasn’t anything I did to cause it. That’s just so painful. There’s nothing happy about separation. People keep asking me what I look forward to, what’s the positive, and they tell me I’m strong and making good decisions and handling this with my kids well and I know that that’s true and that the future isn’t going to be as painful as right now but right now is all I feel. And it hurts so freaking bad.

I didn’t get married to lose my husband. I didn’t start a family to have it broken. I don’t want to be pregnant alone. I don’t want to raise kids alone. I don’t like sleeping without a best friend in my bed. And to remember things and know the whole thing was a horrible lie. It’s just so painful! Sometimes I wish I’d never found out what I did. Yeah, my life was a lie but I was happy in my ignorance. Though Allan was getting worse and worse and I didn’t know why. But now I’m hurting. I’m hurting from someone else’s actions. I’m alone and it’s someone else’s fault but it’s also mine for falling for all the lies. Why didn’t I listen to his actions when we were dating over his words?! I wanted so desperately to find someone who was going to be loyal and take care of me (emotionally) and be a loving, spiritual partner that I ignored all the feelings and all the red flags and just clung to his words, which were all lies, so strongly.

And now I’m paying for it. You marry a liar and you just get pain. I wish I hadn’t been so trusting. I was an honest person, am an honest person, and just assumed people were being honest with me. I guess I always thought liars looked and acted like liars. I didn’t get that they could act so much like saints and sweet, sensitive people. I didn’t know that.

I just don’t know how I thought that the bad guys looked like bad guys, not like good guys. How stupid I was! And now I hurt. I really can’t believe this is my life. I really thought my marriage was forever. I really don’t understand why someone hurts the person they say they love. I really don’t understand. Why when you find someone who loves you so much do you do the ONE thing on earth that could hurt them and make them leave? WHY?!?! There was literally ONE thing that is a deal breaker and he did it. I just don’t understand. It makes me feel so unloved and used and makes the world feel dark, mean, and scary.

I have all my kids today and they’re so very needy. This whole thing has made them emotional messes. I do my very best to be there for them and talk to them and not cry in front of them and make life feel normal but today is too hard. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. But I can’t. Ember just pooped and is screaming at me to come wipe her and Everett just pooped and needs a new diaper and Everett also dumped his bowl of cereal on the ground and I need to clean that and I need to do the dishes that I didn’t do yesterday and a million other things.

Today is too much. I wish I lived by my family.

A Pregnancy Checkup!

I’m 4 months along in these pictures. I can barely believe how fast this pregnancy is going!!

















I don’t have anybody here that I trust to watch my kids yet so I took the three that are home with me and oh boy was that not fun. I thought it wouldn’t be so bad with only three. I underestimated Everett’s boredom!













I have the worst veins in the whole world (no seriously, I’ve been told that over and over and over) and am always so freaking anxious when I go to a new blood lab to get blood drawn. This time though the lady was miraculously talented and got my vein in the first try! I felt speechless when she pushed the needle in and popped the tube on and my blood flowed. What?! That like, never happens!
















These next two pictures aren’t related to my checkup but I also took them today so, here they are!













Ember got this little kitchen for Christmas and loves that I keep it in my room instead of upstairs in her room. She and Everett have a little section in my room with Legos and this play kitchen and they hang out there quite often!

Coping with the Unbearably Lonely Nights

I should start out by saying that I do cry a couple times during the day, every day. But for the most part I’m okay. I’m busy, I’m homeschooling and cleaning and cooking and being with my kids, it’s light out and it’s noisy and chaotic… I’m okay. A bit shaky sometimes, overly emotional compared to how I used to be, but in general I’m doing okay.
But the nights. They’re unbearable! I cry a lot at night. I write and cry. I listen to music and cry. I watch movies and cry. I read books and cry.

So I guess I’m no expert on dealing with the grief and loneliness but I do have some things I do that help me cry less. Okay, okay, some nights I still cry myself to sleep…

The first thing I did was buy new bedding and basically redo my room. It’s my sacred space now. It’s 100% Ariana. Everything is girly and simple and it makes me feel special because everything I picked was everything that made me happy when I saw it in the store.
The papers taped to the wall are little love notes Ember made me and taped up there all by herself. I haven’t had the heart to take them down, I smile every night when I crawl into bed and see them.












You can see a twin bed off in the back corner from when Allan and I shared this room and Everett was cosleeping. We bought the twin to scoot him into after I’d nurse him to sleep so we’d have the whole queen bed to ourselves. The twin bed is now going to Allan’s apartment and I’ll just have the queen to share with Everett. And in a few months with baby #6, too!












My all time favorite material possessions dealing with separation have been, in this order of importance, my cell phone, my iPad mini, and my new laptop.
My cell phone has been a lifeline as I call and text with lots of friends day and night. Having a support group, knowing there’s always someone there when I reach out and need to connect, is the best thing ever. I’ve also been taking 99% of my pictures with my cell phone since it’s so easy. I know that’s horrible but… it’s just so easy!
My iPad mini is my second favorite. I listen to all my music on there, I read all my kindle books on there, I watch Netflix on there (every night now!) as I fall asleep… I LOVE the iPad mini. I got mine a year ago for less than $200 on clearance. I love clearance. haha
And my newest possession is an HP laptop. I didn’t research or anything when I went to buy one, I just looked for the cheapest one in the store and that’s exactly what I got! I have wanted a laptop for AGES but couldn’t justify the purchase until now. It’s been worth every single penny to be able to do all my internet stuff in bed as I breastfeed Everett to sleep every night. I love my desktop computer for some things (printing, photo editing…) but this laptop is a new favorite.












Everett is quite fond of it, too. Which is dangerous so I keep it shut in its carrying case when I’m not using it! haha












But the thing that helps the most is something that seems like a burden to so many others. Cosleeping. I had actually tried many things in the last year to get Everett to sleep in his own bed, I was SO ready to be done cosleeping and how funny that he turned out to be my most stubborn about staying close to mama and here we are, him in my bed, snuggled up next to me, and me comforted by it! Little blessings I’m thankful for. I wouldn’t in a million years purposefully pull my kids into my bed with me during this separation for my own comfort but since Everett already cosleeps, it’s been nice. Ember only climbs into my bed once or twice a month so this was one of those rare nights. They were so cute sleeping by me as I watched a movie.










Here’s what most nights after 10pm look like in my house… I’ve been really sick for a really long time (seeing a doctor tomorrow!) so I have chamomile tea every night.

Today in the Late Morning We…

I really meant to take pictures in the afternoon once Brooke and Payson got home from school but, I didn’t. It’s so hard because that time of day is hectic!
But anyway, here was a two or three hour span of time in the late morning, early afternoon!











Sierra and Ember did an art project after finishing the rest of their school work. It’s that tissue paper activity where you cut tissue paper into little squares and then glue them onto drawings. I’ll share the finished pictures when they’re done.












I gave Everett paper and glue and tissue squares but he wasn’t even slightly interested. He spent the morning begging for Playdoh so, Playdoh it was. Ember helped him open the container.












We stopped the craft to eat lunch.












I put a little pepper on the macaroni and cheese and Ember refused to touch it. Sierra was laughing about how very little pepper there was, like one grain of pepper on each noodle and Ember looked and saw that Sierra was right and they both giggled over how picky Ember was being.
But Ember still wouldn’t eat it!












My table gets trashed on a daily basis. And Everett loves sitting up there. Toddlers.