I’m an emotional wreck. My baby girl is turning 4. I don’t want to believe it, I don’t want it to happen, I don’t want to be sitting here watching the glorious years of raising Ember fly back at break neck speeds. All of it, all of raising her, has enriched my life in a way I didn’t know was even possible. She is my worst sleeper, 4 years worth of not sleeping for me… but I’d do it all over again, and again, and again, to just get to do it all over again. I love her so much is actually hurts. I can’t imagine a life where she grows up and leaves me. I can’t imagine a me without her. I can’t and refuse to think about the day when my baby is not a baby, is not mine to raise anymore. Lives in a different house! I can’t do it. How was I ever in this world without my Ember?
I took some point and shoot pictures of us together on her last night as a three year old. I may have cried more than a mom should have about the idea of her growing up. All when she wasn’t around, of course! I was nothing but excitement and happiness when talking to her about her fourth birthday.
So here we are. The very last time I got to hold my 3 year old. I STILL cry about it, about her growing up, if I stop and think about it. I love this child more than I ever thought I could love anything or anyone in the whole world!
I mean, obviously I should be used to this because I’ve fallen deeply in love with people 6 times now. Allan, and each of my 5 kids, but it still surprises me when I stop and realize my kids are growing up. It really sped up this year… time, it feels like it’s just flying by and I can’t catch it and stop it. I don’t want this phase of my life to end. As hard as it is I want to stay JUST RIGHT HERE forever!! I want my kids in my house, I want to mother them, I want to hear little voices, lots of laughing, and even crying… this can’t all be flying by so fast, can it?!
So I’ll take these birthdays that keep passing me on by… 6 people in this house growing and aging, and I’ll just reminisce and be so so so thankful that I get to experience it all.