I wish I could go to therapy.

I’m such a screwed up person. I know I had a really messed up childhood so that would explain some of it but I don’t really know.
Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I hate every single thing about myself?

I hate that I suck at life. I hate that I can’t give myself credit for anything I do. I can’t see good in any things I do even when I try really, really hard to be the best that I can be. I just hate me. I hate that I’m not perfect, not even close to perfect in any way, and never will be. I hate that I let the world get to me… the pressures to be beautiful, to be thin, to be the mom that does it all.

Allan just told me, literally just now: “Gosh your face is beautiful.” He was just staring at me from the couch, no idea that I was just typing a post about how much I hate myself. haha

I told him, “That’s funny because I was just typing about how much I hate my face.” And I pointed to one side of my face and said, “I think it’s ugly from here…” and then pointed to the other side, “to here.”

Allan replied, “Oh. Hmm. I’m having a hard time seeing it because all the ugly parts are being covered up by that cute face that’s on top of it.” lol. He is seriously so complimentary all the time and I believe him. I can tell that he truly thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t know why! I wish I saw what he sees instead of what I see. Maybe I have body dismorphia. I look in the mirror and feel like sitting on the ground and crying. Every. time. I hate myself so much.

It’s intense with the way I look… the hatred and self loathing. But it goes throughout everything about me. The way I act, the way I think, the was I speak, the way I do everything. Ugh. I’m so freaking screwed up.

Oh geez. Should I just delete this? haha! I don’t have any reason to blog this. I was just trying to vent in hopes of purging myself of the crippling self hatred I was suffering from.

You know really I’m lucky. I don’t usually have time to hate myself. I don’t have that luxury. I’m too busy taking care of other people to stop and really give myself (and all the things I hate) attention! Which is great. I should just go back to doing that… doing other things for other people. I feel bad about myself? Do the dishes. Feeling like I can’t leave the house because everyone will gasp at my ugliness (I truly feel that way often)… too bad, I have to get groceries! Etc.

Okay, I’m going to go breastfeed Everett to sleep and spend the rest of the evening with Allan. Brain effectively, temporarily, purged :/

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