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I’m so stressed right now I honest to goodness feel like I could cry! I can’t do a move right now but we HAVE to. I just can’t get anything done besides the already INSANE task load of just raising my five kids. Seriously I can’t. I can’t do ANYTHING extra. I can BARELY handle the workload of every day life 🙁
I held Everett all day today. I finally got him to sleep at 6pm! and immediately started sprinting around cleaning. JUST cleaning… nothing to do with moving, just normal life stuff I HAVE to do (laundry, dishes, sweeping, etc) and Brooke comes in and says Payson peed all over their toilet and floor. So I drop what I’m doing to get him set up to clean his mess. I get back in the kitchen after that to clean the counters (nothing relating to moving yet!) and I hear what sounds like water being poured on the floor.
It’s Ember, standing over a giant floor puzzle, peeing her pants. Soaking herself, the floor, and the puzzle.
I’m pissed at this for a number of reasons (duh) but mostly because I told Payson no more than ten minutes before to put that FREAKING puzzle away!! I packed the puzzles because Payson would take at least two (more like three or four) out at once and dump them all out to put them together. It was driving me NUTS!! So today I walked in and saw the puzzles (three!) out of the box and dumped on the floor and him working on them and freaked out and told him sternly to put them in the freaking box and don’t touch them again! So of course he did and then took back out the giant floor puzzle!!!
So I take Ember into my bathroom (which is connected to my bedroom with an opening so you can clearly hear from my bedroom (where Everett is sleeping in his bed) everything going on in the bathroom. I tell Ember each and every time we go in there to be quiet because you’ll wake up Everett but she literally never stops talking or making noise for ONE second the entire time we’re in there. I started shushing her constantly, like literally constantly, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *breath* sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *breath* sssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh because it was the only way she’d stop talking. The second I stop shushing she’s talking. The second. The SECOND. The second she starts talking I whisper angrily, “STOP IT! Stop talking!!”
So I bring her in my bath (the kids’ bath is broken) and she starts talking and I whisper, “Be quiet!” and she starts talking again. And I whsiper angrily, “BE.QUIET!” and she starts making baby talking noises (like she’s a baby) and I shush her. I shush and shush and shush… sssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Then I stand up from washing the pee off her and grab the towel from the towel rack. The second I do she’s loudly talking to me. And Everett starts crying.
F. My. Life.
OH MY GOSH. As I was finishing typing this a neighbor just knocked on my back sliding glass door. By the way I was breastfeeding and am in pj shorts and a super immodest tank top. So I am like CRAP I can’t even avoid this encounter because he can see me from the door. So I open the door while looking SO AWFUL and awkward and he’s like, I just thought you should know your daughter is out here walking around loudly calling everyone she sees a butthole.
I’m like… speechless. And so furious I could punch her. She’s had issues with social stuff, and well everything, literally her entire life. She’s a horrible person. She just IS. I try to be nice about her and to her and just ignore what I can and be firm on what matters (like calling strangers buttholes!) but gah… she’s impossible. It was SO much worse when she was little. We’d be in stores in Texas when she was 3 and 4 and she’d loudly talk about people she’d see, while pointing. HORRIBLE things like, “EWWWW, mom, why is that lady SO FAT?!” Or, “MOM!! That girl is so ugly. She’s so gross!! EWWWW, MOM, SHE’S SO UGLY!!”
The last one was about a black women (who was actually gorgeous, btw) and when I asked why she’d say that she said, “Because she has gross brown stuff all over her face!” Or she’d comment on back people’s hair…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I just found this post in my drafts folder. haha!! I remember this day! I never posted it because it was pretty intense but now I figure I might as well. I love remembering this stuff. I remember vividly how horrible it was to try to do anything in my master bathroom but Everett waking up at the littlest sounds every single time and how Ember would make noise constantly no matter what I did! Now we have working bathrooms in other parts of our house AND Ember stays quiet for a few minutes if I tell her to. I won’t ever miss that phase!
Finding clothes was difficult for me. I wanted stuff that looked cute and could fit over his casts well. I once mentioned the difficulty to Allan and he looked at me like I was crazy and told me to just buy a bunch of giant t-shirts and tank tops. I realized that, oh yeah I could’ve gone that route! haha! But I wanted stuff that looks cute. Even though it’s “only” a month, I don’t want Everett looking like a frumpy mess! He already has these giant casts drawing attention… I don’t want him swimming in his clothes if I can avoid it 🙂
These Burt’s Bees tank top onesies fit so well! I got the size 18 months and you can see they look pretty dang good! They’re actually the easiest thing to put on him, too! They’re super stretchy and yet snap back to their original shape once on! I LOOOOOOOOVE these!
We were outside in the middle of the day and yet the mosquitoes were
So much happened this week! Wow. I feel exhausted and worn out!
Today Everett has been cranky. I’m going to talk about his medications for a minute…
So Everett hates taking medicine. Many of my babies has but he might be the worst. He arches his back, kicks his feet, yanks his head this way and that, cries, screams, gags and chokes and throws up… it’s really awful. It has taken me at least 10 minutes to give him his medicine each time he needs a dose this week. 4 doses a day means 24 doses so far and about 240 minutes of struggle! Is that right?! That can’t be right!! I mean, I know it’s felt like a huge burden and really time consuming but seeing it added up like that blows my mind! That’s 4 hours worth of struggling with an 8 month old to give him medicine he needs!
Anyway, it was even getting worse as the week went on. Everett would catch sight of the medicine dropper and start trying to escape me right away. lol
Today is one week since his surgery and with how he’s acting about pain I decided to try to go without giving him his motrin for the day. The last time he had it was at 2am last night. It’s now 12:30pm. He was super cranky this morning but I don’t know if that was a bit of pain or what. He fell asleep an hour ago and I’ll see how he’s acting once he wakes up. I’m not opposed to giving him more medicine if he seems like he’s in pain. Hopefully not, though. My life would be a bit easier if I could go without that huge struggle four times a day!
Once I got Everett to sleep today I went downstairs into our basement to sew a couple more cast covers out of shirts. I have two for him but they get dirty so fast! I need at least 6, I think. I have so much, SO MUCH freaking laundry- I need to have things enough to go for two days without having to wash. 6 cast covers should make it two full days. Hopefully! haha
I ended up going to Wal-Mart and buying a few $2.50 shirts to make the covers out of. I was using old sleepers but t-shirts are easier because the hem of the shirt can be used to thread the elastic through without needing to make a casing of my own for the elastic! That’s the hardest step (but not really hard, just extra time) so it’s nice to skip it. I think right now I have 5 cast covers made. I don’t feel like making more but I probably will.
Beyond all this stuff I just wanted to say, I’m really sick of his casts. They’re ruining so many things about our life right now. First of all he’s bored out of his mind not being able to use his hands. He’s fussy all day when not held because he’s just so bored! I try to give him things to hit or kick but he just doesn’t care… he wants to grab them and hold them and stick them in his mouth, not kick them or hit them with a cast. He’s not abnormally fussy, nothing like what I’ve dealt with with other kids of mine but he is fussy any single minute I’m not holding him or sitting right by him playing with him and it’s getting exhausting. I’m plum worn out, honestly.
The second issue with his casts is sleeping at night. We’ve always coslept and the weeks right before his surgery he’d gotten into the bad habit of wanting to nurse all night long while laying next to me. Since he didn’t keep me up too much while breastfeeding in bed it didn’t bother me much. But now he can’t nurse while laying next to me because his giant arm cast is in the way so I’m waking up dozens of times each night with him. I have to sit up in bed and nurse him and it’s killing my back! Our room has hard wood floors and our bed has wheels so if I lean against the wall while sitting in my bed the bed starts to slide away. This means I have to sit straight up with no back support! So… awoken out of sleep for the 10th time by a crying baby, I’m already so exhausted I feel like crying, and I have to hold him and his giant, awkward arm casts and sit straight up in bed and feed him! It really sucks.
The third reason his giant casts are bugging me is I have to keep them perfectly dry and it’s been sprinkling on and off all week here in Castle Rock! This means our outside time (which I’m desperate for) is shortened. The heat also keeps us indoors because I don’t want Everett to get all sweaty with his casts! He’s the most happy outdoors so this is all a big bummer.
There are many more reasons but I’ll just stop talking about them now. Those are the big ones. I’m so so looking forward to August 14th!! It’s going to be AWESOME having his arms free again!!
Well, I hear Everett crying in his bed so his nap was super short. It’s the first time he’s napped in three days though so even the half hour I got without holding him felt like a gift from God. I really wish this kid would just freaking nap again. I can’t handle holding him every second of every day. And night.
SO it’s sunny and hot when we leave for Costco. 15 minutes later when we arrive… full rain storm. What?! I guess I should’ve checked the weather before leaving.
The problem with rain, especially pouring rain, is keeping Everett’s casts dry as I drag the other four through the parking lot. Every single one of my kids is soooooo slooooooow. They are just dumb in parking lots so matter how many lectures I give them. At the same time, even if I could get them to hurry I wouldn’t because it’s a guarantee that at least one of them will fall. And no matter the type of fall it will be sure to result in major skinned knees. Just because that is my life.
So we get to Costco and it’s pouring outside. I have a blanket and an umbrella but these are fairly useless against rain when there’s a storm and the rain blows sideways. After some considering I decide to tie Everett’s blanket around his stroller and use the umbrella as well. We’re quite a sight walking into Costco. Inside I snap a picture before shopping.
It’s sample day and I hate sample day. My kids beg for each one and we stand there, a huge crowd of 6 people, and I don’t want to buy pretty much anything they’re offering but feel pressured to. ha
The day we went to the library our A/C had been broken two days already. It had been raining every day before this but the week our A/C breaks it was the hottest week of the year. Yay for melting in our house! Ugh.
He cries every second of the day I’m not holding him so I try to take him outside as much as possible. He’s less cranky outside. Sitting in the grass. He’s still cranky in a stroller so that’s my favorite place to put him. Problem is with all the rain Colorado is getting the mosquitoes are insane. After just a few minutes outside there were too many mosquitoes and we were forced back indoors.
I’d been holding him, literally, every second of the day. It was the late afternoon by this time so I attempted to put him on the recliner while making dinner. I can watch him on the recliner from the kitchen. But after one minute he was screaming again. Back in my arms he went.
Allan was in Nevada then and my life (holding Everett alllllll day on top of everything else) felt like it was falling apart. I took the kids to McDonald’s and rented a movie (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty) and got them food and we ate in the living room. This is as lazy as it possibly gets and thank goodness because I was seriously at the very end of my rope. A fast food dinner makes life a MILLION times more bearable.
I’m such a screwed up person. I know I had a really messed up childhood so that would explain some of it but I don’t really know.
Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I hate every single thing about myself?
I hate that I suck at life. I hate that I can’t give myself credit for anything I do. I can’t see good in any things I do even when I try really, really hard to be the best that I can be. I just hate me. I hate that I’m not perfect, not even close to perfect in any way, and never will be. I hate that I let the world get to me… the pressures to be beautiful, to be thin, to be the mom that does it all.
Allan just told me, literally just now: “Gosh your face is beautiful.” He was just staring at me from the couch, no idea that I was just typing a post about how much I hate myself. haha
I told him, “That’s funny because I was just typing about how much I hate my face.” And I pointed to one side of my face and said, “I think it’s ugly from here…” and then pointed to the other side, “to here.”
Allan replied, “Oh. Hmm. I’m having a hard time seeing it because all the ugly parts are being covered up by that cute face that’s on top of it.” lol. He is seriously so complimentary all the time and I believe him. I can tell that he truly thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t know why! I wish I saw what he sees instead of what I see. Maybe I have body dismorphia. I look in the mirror and feel like sitting on the ground and crying. Every. time. I hate myself so much.
It’s intense with the way I look… the hatred and self loathing. But it goes throughout everything about me. The way I act, the way I think, the was I speak, the way I do everything. Ugh. I’m so freaking screwed up.
Oh geez. Should I just delete this? haha! I don’t have any reason to blog this. I was just trying to vent in hopes of purging myself of the crippling self hatred I was suffering from.
You know really I’m lucky. I don’t usually have time to hate myself. I don’t have that luxury. I’m too busy taking care of other people to stop and really give myself (and all the things I hate) attention! Which is great. I should just go back to doing that… doing other things for other people. I feel bad about myself? Do the dishes. Feeling like I can’t leave the house because everyone will gasp at my ugliness (I truly feel that way often)… too bad, I have to get groceries! Etc.
Okay, I’m going to go breastfeed Everett to sleep and spend the rest of the evening with Allan. Brain effectively, temporarily, purged :/