Today was so so so so so difficult. You know the type of day that is so difficult you can’t even talk about it? So difficult your very existence feels too much to bear?
I haven’t cried much since last February. January and February of this year had me in tears at least weekly. January was more like daily. Colic Everett, hotel, winter, it was way too much and that often spilled out of me.
Despite an extremely challenging year I’ve been able to keep my shit together since then. Not today. Today Allan was trying to talk to me about dinner at 9pm and I couldn’t even speak. I couldn’t cry, either. I was too embarrassed to cry though so overwhelmed, exhausted, and overworked that I just sat there pressing my eyes as hard as I could without actually damaging them… willing the tears to go away.
My non answer to his question (what should I get for dinner?) had him leaving the room thinking I was upset with him. Once he was gone then the tears could come out. I stood at the sink doing dishes at 9pm bawling my eyes out.
Today I was doing dishes after having spent an hour straight sprinting around my house cleaning as much as possible after literally being on my feet all day holding a crying baby, cleaning up poop blowouts (on my bed of all places!) and a million MILLION other difficult things! Doing dishes after being on my feet for 14 hours, after getting four hours of sleep, after weeks of a super fussy Everett. After almost four years of never once getting 8 hours of sleep at night because of Ember, after 8 months of never have one second alone (minus the time I went to the ER when I almost died. lol)
It’s way too much! It’s just too much and I don’t know how to change it! I can’t make myself leave my kids with babysitters after all the molestation in my childhood. No one on earth is safe to me except like four people. Mary, Don, Daniel, the Hausen grandparents, and that’s it!! I wouldn’t even want Don and Mary to help because they have five kids of their own!! That’s more than enough for one person to handle without me pawning my kids off on them for a few hours. The Hausen grandparents did NOT like babysitting, either. And Daniel for a hundred obvious reason can’t babysit our kids. lol!
That leaves us with a grand total of zero people.
You know for fairness sake I should say I would leave my kids with a couple of my friends in Arizona, they were super trustworthy but… they had five kids of their own!!
I told Allan tonight that next summer I’m putting Brooklyn in summer camp. Not one where they go and sleep somewhere, just the ones that are essentially 7 hours of daycare every day. I can’t deal with her in addition to everything else. She can never be pleased. She ruins practically every outing or event… she’s moody and snotty and disrespectful and I’ll freely admit I have no idea what I’m doing when I parent her. I should not BE a parent to an 11 year old because I’m totally clueless! I was an easy child so I didn’t grow up thinking the way she does. I don’t know how to handle her. Seriously, I have no idea.