I was reading my blog from when Everett was first born and suddenly had a familiar feeling come over me… of the next baby and what our life will be like when he/she comes along.
It was super weird because I’ve been 100% DONE with having babies or even thinking about babies since I was pregnant with Everett. I still don’t want another baby and we’ll probably not have another but then again, I have no idea.
Allan was dead set on having a vasectomy earlier this year. I was actually supportive of it, too! I never ever thought I’d be done having kids but I’ve felt super done and that our family was complete for the last full year. When it was vasectomy time I said a prayer to God that I was leaving this decision fully on Allan because I’d chose our family size up until now and it’s only fair to let Allan have as much say in how many kids he wants as I do.
I said another prayer a week later (a few days before Allan’s scheduled vasectomy) and told God that I was 100% fine with Allan’s choice to have the surgery and also with having no more children and that if we were meant to have more kids or this was wrong he should work on Allan’s heart because as much as I’m dead tired and don’t want more kids, I’m truly always open to whatever kids are meant to come to our family. I would never ever say no if I had a spiritual prompting to have another kid. But at this point I would have the child for that reason only… the baby craving is gone 😉
So anyway the day before his surgery Allan prayed about it and ended up cancelling! Our conversations and feelings up to that point had been very much we’re DONE and nothing in the world will change that to… well, we definitely don’t want any more kids. Right now. And now we just don’t talk about it because both of us feel like we just don’t know what God wants for us in the future. Right this second we don’t want any more kids. But we’re (especially me) very much willing to do what God wants so if we ever have another I wouldn’t be surprised.
So I just thought I’d blog this stuff since it’s all been little things happening and one day if we have another child it’ll be amusing to read all this. After I had Everett and was feeling like there was NO way in the world I’d have another baby I went back and read my journal from when Payson was a newborn and I had desperately wanted Allan to get a vasectomy. I wouldn’t have Ember and Everett if he had! How funny! My two joy babies would never be here.
So I can’t just say, oh I am DONE. I feel done. We probably are done. But. Maybe not?
Anyway, I was also reading about when Everett was born and how for the first few weeks we called him ‘Baby’ because we hadn’t named him. The entire baby naming thing, which used to be one of my favorite parts of having a baby! haha, is now ruined forever. I have zero desire to name another baby. I know it seems silly because people in families use each other’s names all the time, right or wrong… but for me it felt personal. Like a personal, intentional attack. It’s taken me a lot to try to let it go and forgive and repent for my wrong feelings at the time but obviously I haven’t done a good enough job because when I read back through my blog about the name issues it hurts pretty bad still.
I know it’s silly but Everett was a very special name to me.
Now the joke’s on me though because it’s shooting up in popularity. ha. Oh well.
So if we have another baby Allan and I already picked out names. We would name a boy John after my dad and a girl would be Lyla. John Sharp or Lyla Nicole. Lyla Lilah Lila