Surgery Thoughts

The day before surgery.
I feel so yucky today. Mentally. My mind is just cluttered with crap about tomorrow. I can’t settle down or just sit without my mind feeling anxious and antsy.

This time tomorrow we’ll be 4 1/2 hours into surgery with another hour and a half away.
I feel like emotionally I’ll be better than tomorrow because it’ll just be waiting until I get to see my baby again. Not anxious, just antsy!

My to do list is a mile long. And yet I’m to the point of the day where nothing feels important. I just want to pack my bag and go to bed and then go to the hospital in the morning.
I almost want to watch a movie or something to take my mind OFF this STUPID surgery.

Allan keeps trying to talk to me about stuff that has nothing to do with the surgery and I’m just like… why do we need to add this to my mind?! The only thing my mind is capable of hearing or speaking about without feeling upset is the surgery or preparing for the surgery. WHY are we talking about parenting or football games or anything else!? I can’t mentally do it! My mind is cluttered with surgery thoughts. I can’t speak about anything else. I can’t listen to anything else.

It’s really not unlike the last week of pregnancy. Like, unless we’re talking about my baby or my labor, I don’t want to think about it at all. Not even a little bit. And it makes me downright angry if people keep trying over and over and over and OVER to talk to me about things!! It’s not like we’re talking about important things, either!! Can’t you tell I’m NOT interested in what you’re telling me?! My kids keep coming up and talking about the stupidest things and I have to firmly make myself answer but it’s never anything besides, “Okay, I heard you, now can you go away?” but you know, not in those exact words. ha

For so many reasons I’m so grateful Everett’s surgery is tomorrow. If it actually happens. I’m so glad to get the burden of stress off of me. I’m glad to not have to worry about the littlest, stupid colds he gets. Because his surgeon will ABSOLUTELY cancel with the tiniest cold. Even a sneeze would cause an uproar tomorrow. So I’m PARANOID about every little germ that might enter our family’s space. It’ll be amAZing to not have to swim in sanitizer everywhere we go or after anything we do. haha! It’ll be awesome to get back to my old more mild germophobe ways. I’ve been crazy this year with germs. Crazy.
But I don’t feel guilty because how could I not be?! Knowing the smallest thing will cancel his surgery?! Of course I’m paranoid.

UGH. I just want this to be over. I can’t keep my mind off it. I just want it over. I want to be holding my baby, even if he’s in casts and screaming, and rocking and singing to him and just holding him and knowing it’s over forever and ever.

Well, except for when he has his next surgery for his type 1 syndactyly :/ lol
But that one can wait until he’s like five so it won’t be as scary! And it’s a SUPER mild surgery since it’s only partial webbing and it doesn’t involve anything except skin.

Alright, I’ve vented enough. I have decided I’m not going to do any online updating throughout the surgery process. Maybe a general facebook post after his surgery. Maybe not.

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