It feels like yesterday right now even though it’s today. Being 4:45am, it’s hard to think of it as a new day already. But it is.
Today I’m going to try a lot harder to be cheerful. Yesterday was a very bad day. Oh gosh. Today nothing will be different unless I change my attitude.
After being up half the night coughing (what the HECK cold, I thought you were ending!) and tossing and turning and feeling so miserable, I know I feel so awfully moody because I’m so exhausted. Everything this week has stressed me out and made me want to scream. Tomorrow I won’t feel any more rested but I really need to figure out how to just suck it up and be smiley with my kids anyway.
Maybe I’ll like, drink some caffeine first thing when I wake up. (well, when I officially wake up as I’m going to try to go back to sleep soon)
No joke, maybe I will. I’m just so tired. Like, a million years beyond tired.
Today, I really need to focus on Payson. I’ve been so excited for him to go to school, he’s going to LOOOOOVE it, but once he was in bed and I realized he is actually going to go to school, like- all day. I was a mess. I laid in my bed for what felt like forever, unable to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I got up and went in his room and laid with him, just needing to cuddle my baby. I cried the whole time and suddenly didn’t want him to go to school. Mostly I just wished I’d done this all differently. I wish I’d spaced my children out more so I could have enjoyed each one of them more. Given them each a better mom. A mom who wasn’t stressed out so much by the needs of the many, who ended up neglecting the needs of one. Not just Payson, each kid. And the more I have (to my credit, these last two have been conceived on two different forms of birth control so, it wasn’t like I planned on having five kids so close together!!) the more stressed out I get!! I wasn’t made for raising this many kids! I’m not good at it! I don’t balance all the responsibilities I have well. I don’t handle chaos well. I don’t handle so many different people wanting so much of me well. I suck at it. Truly, I suck at being a mom of so many kids.
But, I am a good mom when public school is back in session. I do public school mothering very well. Ironic, after having been a homeschool mom for the first three years of Brooklyn’s education! But I really do love that they go somewhere and have someone else telling them what to do for a chunk of the day. And the rigid routines. Two of my children need those, and the other just really likes it! So, with school starting tomorrow I have hope that things will feel more sane around here. And that I can go back to being the mom I was before school let out for the summer!
And today, today I’m going to not do anything but just try to be with my kids. Let the house get messy, let the shopping go undone, and whatever else there is on the to do list… save it for Wednesday!