Why You Are Lucky to not be Around Me Right Now!

I’m stressed out today. I cry over everything. I’m so overwhelmed.

The family reunion we just went to in Utah had been stressing me out for months. I thought for sure I’d feel a huge weight off my shoulders getting home from that, knowing it’d be another two years before I had to do it again. But nope, I’m still filled to the brim with stress. (I was stressed out at the idea of traveling and staying in a group cabin with so many people with my kids. I’m stressed at home, how could I handle a trip away for 5 days?)

The kids start school on Monday. This will be the best thing to happen to me in probably ten years.
That sounds cruel or like a joke but is my truth right now. I can’t function taking care of four children, living so far from everything, in this heat, while 6 months pregnant, all day every day for this many months. I’ve lost my ever loving mind.

Tonight I have to go to David’s Bridal and try on bridesmaid dresses. In different styles than my sister’s other bridesmaids because I have an enormous belly and boobs to try to cover and the dress they got wouldn’t work at all. I’m going to look really, really, really awful and huge and disgusting and I’m freaking out about it. I try to remind myself that it’s my sister’s wedding and really, what does it matter that I’ll look like a freakish whale on her day. But… this is her wedding and these will be pictures she has forever and there I’ll be, forever recorded in my hugeness in somebody else’s photo albums. Sucks. Her other bridesmaids are her high school friends (and work friends?) all like size 4 or less and 7-8 years younger than me. Oh and no children so perfectly unmarred bodies. Just sucks. I know I’m being a big, fat baby but that’s just what I am. Big, fat, and with raging hormones that make me feel like a baby!

I have to edit the family pictures from the reunion. I took a giant group picture and then individual family pictures. It was stressful because nobody wants to wake up early for photos and so by the time we took them the sun was high in the sky and the shadows under people’s eyes are insane. They just suck and I’m frustrated by it. I mean, it was cloudy and I exposed the best I could and they look the best they can but you can’t fix poor timing. Late morning, midday photos aren’t something I do well. And I can’t figure out how to edit them. Just warm them up and add contrast? OR go all out and make them more vivid?? I.don’t.know. I hate every edit I’ve tried so far, simple and more involved. And I’ve tried like five different ways.

Yesterday a small chip of my old crown broke off my tooth. I know crowns don’t last forever (the life of them is what, 5-10 years?) and it’s been 5 years since I got it done and I got it done by my old, incompetent dentist so I should be glad it lasted this long, but… I have a major, major, major fear of the dentist and it’s just NOT what I needed right now to have to go in, pregnant, and gag on a bunch of equipment shoved in my mouth to have this thing redone. Sucks.

And then there’s Allan potential job out of state and all the drama there. I wish I could share all the details because it’s freaking crazy but it being a job and all, I can’t share anything!! I’ll just say, the whole situation blew out any sanity I had left long ago!

And that’s why I’m not blogging right now. That’s why I don’t/shouldn’t talk to anyone. I just complain. I try not to but that resolve lasts about .2 seconds before I complain. I at least try to mask the true extent of how absolutely stressed and depressed I am because I could unload some pretty intense negativity and nobody wants that. I’m a horrible friend and family member when I’m pregnant. I should be sent away and not be allowed around other people for the 9 months of it. Thankfully there are only 3 1/2 months left!! And, hopefully, having the older three kids in school part of the day should help a lot. I need to recharge. I’m spent.

7 thoughts on “Why You Are Lucky to not be Around Me Right Now!

  • Just sending you gentle hugs and hope things get better. I remember being upset about lots of stuff when I was pregnant as well and it was all just beyond my control. It'll be great when the kids are in school and you get a bit of down time. We all need that. I can't wait until my kids go back to school in early Sept. I know I'll miss them but I also know that within a few days I'll love having 7 hours a day all to myself! Hang in there and vent away. Sometimes it just helps to get it all out. xx

  • Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a lot going on and hopefully everything will settle down with the older kids in school. I hope your husband's job search will work out too. Bev

  • I have tht stress level right now and I'm not even pregnant. Lol. Try to breathe. And even though I know you are freaking out about the wedding.. Just know that pregnancy looks great on you. 🙂 praying things settle down a little for you and you get some resolve.

  • Hugs from a basically total stranger. I have been following your blog for a long time – started because of the pictures and then I had lots of kiddos too so I get the insanity feeling too 🙂
    You are doing the best you can given the circumstances. You have a lot on your plate so be gentle with you. Hopefully the heat starts to decrease a little bit soon

  • So I find myself talking about you and your blog to my co-workers, even though I have never met you and I am a complete random stranger. I am always so impressed with all that you do for/with your kids that I just feel the need to share with the ladies I work with, like wow, she is so brave for even attempting to do that. All the outings you do, taking your kids to the movies and stores, all the school activities you do with them, your craftiness, documenting everything with photos, still finding time to breastfeed your daughter. It's impressive. I go to the grocery store on my lunch breaks and keep it in my work refridgerator because taking my kids to the store is way too much of a chore…and I only have 3. I think you are one impressive mama, and I must say I am a tad bit envious (in a good way – if that's possible) When I am overwhelemed, I just take 10 minutes for myself take a hot shower or bath and just cry for a good solid 10 minutes… and then it all seems to be more tolerable after that. Hang in there mama, you are doing a great job with those kids (from my point of view in internet land) and you will be rewarded for all your stress and trying times in the end! -Molly

  • That all SUCKS…and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way and say so! Out-of-the-ordinary stress on top of regular stress is hard enough to deal with. Add a big heap of pregnancy hormones and a big dash of job/moving uncertainty that you can't even vent about…yikes!…that's a recipe for disaster!

    My advice: Wait until the kids are in bed and completely out of ear shot. Set a timer for 3 minutes (or maybe go crazy and make it 5). Start timer and begin venting, yelling, cursing (something I wouldn't typically recommend but it may be necessary here) and complaining to the high heavens! Don't worry about whether or not you're entitled or how it may sound…just go for it! Sometimes you just need to let it all out for a good cleansing.

    I tried a similar technique with my 8-year old son who began obsessing about saying “bad words” and calling someone stupid. He kept saying he was feeling tempted. So…we set the timer on the microwave for 60 seconds and said the word stupid over and over again using different inflections and flair, varying the volume for added emphasis and interest, changing up the emotional delivery. 60 seconds doesn't sound like much time, but you'd be surprised how many times two people can say the word stupid in 60 seconds! 🙂 Believe it or not, it actually eased his fixation. Hopefully you will have similar successful results! And perhaps you could follow this exercise with Molly's suggestion of a relaxing 10-minute soak in the tub.

    Warm wishes and positive thoughts are heading your way!
    Chere

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