I’m stressed out today. I cry over everything. I’m so overwhelmed.
The family reunion we just went to in Utah had been stressing me out for months. I thought for sure I’d feel a huge weight off my shoulders getting home from that, knowing it’d be another two years before I had to do it again. But nope, I’m still filled to the brim with stress. (I was stressed out at the idea of traveling and staying in a group cabin with so many people with my kids. I’m stressed at home, how could I handle a trip away for 5 days?)
The kids start school on Monday. This will be the best thing to happen to me in probably ten years.
That sounds cruel or like a joke but is my truth right now. I can’t function taking care of four children, living so far from everything, in this heat, while 6 months pregnant, all day every day for this many months. I’ve lost my ever loving mind.
Tonight I have to go to David’s Bridal and try on bridesmaid dresses. In different styles than my sister’s other bridesmaids because I have an enormous belly and boobs to try to cover and the dress they got wouldn’t work at all. I’m going to look really, really, really awful and huge and disgusting and I’m freaking out about it. I try to remind myself that it’s my sister’s wedding and really, what does it matter that I’ll look like a freakish whale on her day. But… this is her wedding and these will be pictures she has forever and there I’ll be, forever recorded in my hugeness in somebody else’s photo albums. Sucks. Her other bridesmaids are her high school friends (and work friends?) all like size 4 or less and 7-8 years younger than me. Oh and no children so perfectly unmarred bodies. Just sucks. I know I’m being a big, fat baby but that’s just what I am. Big, fat, and with raging hormones that make me feel like a baby!
I have to edit the family pictures from the reunion. I took a giant group picture and then individual family pictures. It was stressful because nobody wants to wake up early for photos and so by the time we took them the sun was high in the sky and the shadows under people’s eyes are insane. They just suck and I’m frustrated by it. I mean, it was cloudy and I exposed the best I could and they look the best they can but you can’t fix poor timing. Late morning, midday photos aren’t something I do well. And I can’t figure out how to edit them. Just warm them up and add contrast? OR go all out and make them more vivid?? I.don’t.know. I hate every edit I’ve tried so far, simple and more involved. And I’ve tried like five different ways.
Yesterday a small chip of my old crown broke off my tooth. I know crowns don’t last forever (the life of them is what, 5-10 years?) and it’s been 5 years since I got it done and I got it done by my old, incompetent dentist so I should be glad it lasted this long, but… I have a major, major, major fear of the dentist and it’s just NOT what I needed right now to have to go in, pregnant, and gag on a bunch of equipment shoved in my mouth to have this thing redone. Sucks.
And then there’s Allan potential job out of state and all the drama there. I wish I could share all the details because it’s freaking crazy but it being a job and all, I can’t share anything!! I’ll just say, the whole situation blew out any sanity I had left long ago!
And that’s why I’m not blogging right now. That’s why I don’t/shouldn’t talk to anyone. I just complain. I try not to but that resolve lasts about .2 seconds before I complain. I at least try to mask the true extent of how absolutely stressed and depressed I am because I could unload some pretty intense negativity and nobody wants that. I’m a horrible friend and family member when I’m pregnant. I should be sent away and not be allowed around other people for the 9 months of it. Thankfully there are only 3 1/2 months left!! And, hopefully, having the older three kids in school part of the day should help a lot. I need to recharge. I’m spent.