Why You Are Lucky to not be Around Me Right Now!

I’m stressed out today. I cry over everything. I’m so overwhelmed.

The family reunion we just went to in Utah had been stressing me out for months. I thought for sure I’d feel a huge weight off my shoulders getting home from that, knowing it’d be another two years before I had to do it again. But nope, I’m still filled to the brim with stress. (I was stressed out at the idea of traveling and staying in a group cabin with so many people with my kids. I’m stressed at home, how could I handle a trip away for 5 days?)

The kids start school on Monday. This will be the best thing to happen to me in probably ten years.
That sounds cruel or like a joke but is my truth right now. I can’t function taking care of four children, living so far from everything, in this heat, while 6 months pregnant, all day every day for this many months. I’ve lost my ever loving mind.

Tonight I have to go to David’s Bridal and try on bridesmaid dresses. In different styles than my sister’s other bridesmaids because I have an enormous belly and boobs to try to cover and the dress they got wouldn’t work at all. I’m going to look really, really, really awful and huge and disgusting and I’m freaking out about it. I try to remind myself that it’s my sister’s wedding and really, what does it matter that I’ll look like a freakish whale on her day. But… this is her wedding and these will be pictures she has forever and there I’ll be, forever recorded in my hugeness in somebody else’s photo albums. Sucks. Her other bridesmaids are her high school friends (and work friends?) all like size 4 or less and 7-8 years younger than me. Oh and no children so perfectly unmarred bodies. Just sucks. I know I’m being a big, fat baby but that’s just what I am. Big, fat, and with raging hormones that make me feel like a baby!

I have to edit the family pictures from the reunion. I took a giant group picture and then individual family pictures. It was stressful because nobody wants to wake up early for photos and so by the time we took them the sun was high in the sky and the shadows under people’s eyes are insane. They just suck and I’m frustrated by it. I mean, it was cloudy and I exposed the best I could and they look the best they can but you can’t fix poor timing. Late morning, midday photos aren’t something I do well. And I can’t figure out how to edit them. Just warm them up and add contrast? OR go all out and make them more vivid?? I.don’t.know. I hate every edit I’ve tried so far, simple and more involved. And I’ve tried like five different ways.

Yesterday a small chip of my old crown broke off my tooth. I know crowns don’t last forever (the life of them is what, 5-10 years?) and it’s been 5 years since I got it done and I got it done by my old, incompetent dentist so I should be glad it lasted this long, but… I have a major, major, major fear of the dentist and it’s just NOT what I needed right now to have to go in, pregnant, and gag on a bunch of equipment shoved in my mouth to have this thing redone. Sucks.

And then there’s Allan potential job out of state and all the drama there. I wish I could share all the details because it’s freaking crazy but it being a job and all, I can’t share anything!! I’ll just say, the whole situation blew out any sanity I had left long ago!

And that’s why I’m not blogging right now. That’s why I don’t/shouldn’t talk to anyone. I just complain. I try not to but that resolve lasts about .2 seconds before I complain. I at least try to mask the true extent of how absolutely stressed and depressed I am because I could unload some pretty intense negativity and nobody wants that. I’m a horrible friend and family member when I’m pregnant. I should be sent away and not be allowed around other people for the 9 months of it. Thankfully there are only 3 1/2 months left!! And, hopefully, having the older three kids in school part of the day should help a lot. I need to recharge. I’m spent.

iPod

So these are boring old reposts from instagram. But I’m out of pictures to share as I’m currently out of town and posting in advance.
From the day Ember and I played in the rain while Allan was at church with the older three kids.  photo IMG_4613eresized_zpsf9779075.jpg photo IMG_4648resized_zpsd3cad7e7.jpg

Lots of playing with her baby doll these days. She describes what she’s doing as she plays.  photo IMG_4620eresized_zps80453ee9.jpg photo IMG_4630eresized_zps93506ee5.jpg photo IMG_4644eresized_zps8902ad68.jpg

I love having my kids’ drawings on the fridge.  photo IMG_4649eresized_zps368abd35.jpg

I love Payson’s self portrait and how he was, of course, Spiderman.  photo IMG_4652resized_zpsbc439036.jpg

In Search of Green, We Went

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We took a drive, not too far, in search of green.
It had rained, it felt cooler than normal, it was nice.  photo 169eresized_zps71378761.jpg

There was much talk of wild animals and bugs out there in the trees.  photo 232eresized_zps04cebbd0.jpg photo 176eresized_zps15ffb82f.jpg

We spotted two dead beetles. They looked like they’d been mating and just… died? I thought it was weird. The kids stood around watching them laying there unmoving.  photo 180eresized_zpsb618655b.jpg

Payson threw a rock at them to see if they were really dead. And they jumped up and ran off! He screamed, startled. He couldn’t believe it! They’d laid there unmoving for so very long!  photo 195eresized_zps7a2e749b.jpg photo 194eresized_zpsc9b48aa5.jpg

We stayed around for a little bit longer before calling it quits and heading back towards our car. Stopping many times along the way to climb on stone walls in the area.  photo 228eresized_zpsaabf51d5.jpg photo 251eresized_zps3b725cc6.jpg photo 252eresized_zps7fc1b919.jpg

Last Night

Allan took Payson fishing at the lake. The girls and I hung out around the house. At times we’d head out in the backyard to watch the crazy lightning storm. The entire sky was filled with lightning. It didn’t rain much, though.

Once inside for the night for good we played for a bit in the front room before bed.  photo 030eresized_zpscb7f3b56.jpg  photo 040eresized_zpsf0df63db.jpg photo 073eresized_zps48f3e80d.jpg photo 049bwresized_zps17e516f2.jpg photo 059bwresized_zps1b8007a4.jpg photo 083bwresized_zps3489fe78.jpg photo 084eresized_zpse1b24586.jpg

Sometime I’ll have Allan add the story of his and Payson’s lake trip. If I bother to wait until then to add these pictures, it likely won’t happen 😉  photo 001e2resized_zps5d47e393.jpg photo 005eresized_zpscf333fcb.jpg photo 006eresized_zps4c522abb.jpg photo 007e2resized_zpsba03cc00.jpg

Baby Kicks

Everett is an extremely active baby. He is constantly moving around and kicking and I love it! It’s so much fun feeling those kicks all through my day! It makes me think of him constantly (as if I don’t already think about him constantly!)
Ember was my most mellow baby in the womb. She’d kick sometimes but she was just really chill most of the time. Having a baby who moves so much and so often is seriously just fun!

It hardly matters how active he’s been, however, how many jumps and kicks and punches he’s done, the second I tell Allan to come over and feel my belly Everett stops kicking and doesn’t kick again! haha! Every single time! So for now it’s just me that gets to enjoy him and I’m pretty okay with that 😉

Today I have to go try on and order a bridesmaid dress for my younger sister’s wedding. I will be 7 months pregnant. All the other bridesmaids are around 23 years old and teeny tiny. My sister is 23 and teeny tiny, too. So it’ll be a line of young, skinny girls and then me. Old, fat, and hugely pregnant! haha. It’s going to be the best experience ever! I can’t wait to see the pictures!! 😛

Alright, Saturday is going to be crazy busy (it already has been and it’s only 9:45am!) so gotta go!