Just Me Rambling to My Computer Screen

I’m a normal person. I’m not special. I don’t have any amazing talents or skills or even really anything that interesting about me. And I think that’s perfectly ok.

I’ve struggled this past year or two with feeling like I’m not enough. Everywhere I look there seems to be some woman doing everything I could even dream of and doing it perfectly. And that bothered me. Because if someone else is doing something so perfectly, so much better than I could ever even hope to do, does that make me worthless? Less than? If I can never be as good as, why do I even try?

What an odd thought process, right? Such a waste of time to compare. Who the heck cares what some other woman is doing? My kids love me. My husband loves me. They only want my time, love, and attention. And I can give that perfectly every single time. What a beautiful, freeing realization that was. I only wish I’d had it sooner.

I want to continue to make a conscious effort to not go for perfection. I want my life to be filled with happiness, not filled with something that looks good to someone else.

Today was a good day because I played with my kids outside. It was good because my family ate dinner together and laughed and talked and had a really good time. It was good because when Allan came home from work we hugged and kissed for a long time and that feels really dang good. Today was good because I got to smile and giggle with Ember while she breastfed. Today was good because Sierra and I were cracking each other up after school.

And today was also really bad at times. Mostly because of my own faults and weaknesses. I got upset with the two youngest kids when they were cranky on errands. I got upset with Brooklyn for not obeying me after school. I got upset when all the kids were piled into the kitchen while I was trying to cook.
These are really stupid things for me to get upset over. I’m trying really hard to let things like that go. I succeed a lot but I fail a lot, too. And that’s ok. I’ll keep trying. I’m sure I’ll have failures on a daily basis, if not an hourly basis. But I’ll keep trying. And maybe tomorrow I can really enjoy these moments of this time in my life even more. Because I sure do have a lot of people in my house who love me and I don’t want to waste this season of being surrounded by that. When it feels overwhelming I really need to step back and realize that I’m overwhelmed by love. Even in the moments of my kids disobeying, they really love me. I know it, I know it for sure, and I need to appreciate what a gift that is. I don’t appreciate it enough. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

9 thoughts on “Just Me Rambling to My Computer Screen

  • Thanks for that. I think we all need to step back once and awhile and realize that we might not be perfect but we are perfect for our family. I definitely needed to be reminded of that today. BTW, you do have special talents and skills. I have caught myself wishing I could be the kind of parent that you are. You always seem to provide such fun and creative play for your kids, homeschooling them, being so diligent with your son's special dietary needs, etc. You seem like a truly selfless person with your kids and you are good about not let yourself get so busy that you don't have time to have fun with them.

  • Someone once told me not to make a big deal out of the small stuff with kids, and to ask myself if IT (whatever I am stressing over) will matter in 10 years. Will it matter in 10 years if they did not make their beds today? Nope. Will it matter in 10 years if they made a mess in the kitchen? No. Obviously if it is a repeat pattern then yes, we need to do some adjustments and make corrections, but in 10 years, if it is not going to matter in the big picture, I am not sweating it anymore.

  • I can so relate. I could have written this post… I feel the same way so often.
    Hang in there! Motherhood may be hard, but its' such an important job:) And don't be too hard on yourself- all those perfect Stepford moms have just decided to hide all their imperfections and put on a fake mask. It must be tiring to be fake all the time, too.

  • Ariana you are always an inspiration! Even when you are seeming down on yourself. I love this, “When it feels overwhelming I really need to step back and realize that I'm overwhelmed by love.” We all have rough days, but you are really an amazing mom/wife/person.

  • So true. And 10 years goes by so fast!! I think back just three or four years ago and would change SO many things. Just let almost all of it go and enjoy my kids. It's so hard in the moment when things are nuts but something every mom should constantly try for. Relaxing and letting go.

  • That's a good point, it must be tiring to put on a happy face even when things are terrible. And the pressure to keep up that image would be awful, too!

  • This is something I hope you shared on a social network and I wish I had been keeping up on your blog to read! I use the internet to play fb games for relief from my busy day and because my hubby is a tv hog BUT I can honestly say that I feel most of my current negative feelings about being a working woman is that I don't want to be a working woman. I want to be the mother of five small children again. It was so hard and days were verrrry long at times but when it's over, it's just a memory and that is all you have! I kept a clean house not for everyone else but for me because it made my mind calm and was something that made me feel “quieted” and like I could make special. I wish I'd cared more about fun than cleaning! I wish I'd never had to work any of it and could have been with you guys more because now you're all grown and gone raising your own families! I have been successful at work and my career but NOTHING has made me feel so awesome as being a MOTHER! It is the best gift there is and it was my favorite memory too! I love you all so deeply and nothing can break that feeling for you ever! You are so transparently real, it's so refreshing! The best thing you are doing is being YOU! Kids need to see our imperfections because that is what makes life the crazy, messy bliss that it is! You are so wise and keep on believing in your value!! I ā™„ you! ~Mommy

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