It’s so quiet and empty when he’s out of town. My life is so meaningless when he leaves. It’s 4am and this exhaustion can’t beat out the loneliness. My body runs on fumes, it’s sputtering, failing, but I can’t sleep. Fear, gripping terror. Alone in a large house in the middle of nowhere. Surely will be murdered in my sleep.
There are children, yes, sure. But children are children. They aren’t companions, they aren’t peers, they can’t protect me or comfort me or have a real conversation with me.
And so when he is gone I am empty and I wait for when he returns. My life feels paused and I only wait.
Daytime hours are so much kinder. The sun is out and burning bright and life goes on steadily and noisily and drowns out the missing I feel.
This morning I awoke, there on that bed in this picture, to Ember happily “reading” all of her books. She makes messes very quickly, that Ember.
So every single morning at like 5am Ember wakes up and to get my attention, I suppose, pulls out my hair clips or ponytail holders and then reaches down my shirt and pulls out my nursing pads, too. She throws all of this stuff on the ground. If that doesn’t wake me up fully (which it never does) she then either slaps my face, pokes my eyes and nose or kisses me five hundred times. She also pulls my shirt up (or down if easier) to breastfeed. She also pulls my blanket off me. It’s really pretty hilarious. Well, it’s not that funny when she pulls my hair stuff out because she ends up ripping a handful of my hair out in the process!
Oh and the cutest part of it all?? When I finally crack an eye open to look at her she breaks out into a huge smile, laughs, and says, “Hiiiiiiiiii!” and gives me a kiss.