Keeping These Words Inside

My life is in a weird phase. Lots of difficult times have been had this year. I consider typing them out here. They end up staying in my head. Stories I’m not willing to share, feelings I bury and guard. I should visit my journal, put them there where they belong. But sometimes letting them loose opens a floodgate and I just can’t handle all that emotion spilling out right now.

Things are happening. My life is about to change a lot. We’ll be in a new home, a new state, a new life will be lived. For now, it’s limbo. This odd transition time that I desperately hate. That and lots of other things going on, life is just too much right now. I look forward to life being a more a simple chaotic. Hopefully that time comes soon.

We went on a date last Saturday. Our first in a year. A year. We took Ember on a hike. Allan wanted to hike to the very top of the Superstition mountains. It’d be about a five hour trek. I wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest. These days, with limited sleep, my idea of a date or of a break is certainly not sweating it out on a desert mountain. My idea of a date is a movie, dinner (someone else cooking?!), maybe a massage. Sitting and doing nothing. Something of that sort… Photobucket

I am the type that does something full force. I want it done perfectly, I want to put all my energy into it, or I won’t do it at all. Photobucket

I’d been up until 1am several times that week. Ember is getting two more teeth and sleep, which hasn’t been gotten in over a year, was even more limited than usual for me. I woke up dizzy and with a splitting headache. Photobucket

But we had plans. And I don’t break plans like that. I don’t disappoint Allan on his first date in a year. Dates are way more for him than for me. I usually just go along and try to make him happy. Because he deserves some happiness. Photobucket

Two hours in and I wasn’t feeling so hot. I didn’t feel like I was really tired but I was tired. It was weird. My muscles felt perfectly fine but I felt weighted… like I was moving through quicksand. Photobucket

Also worrying about Ember overheating (it happened to be the hottest day of the year so far and we were out at 11am-1pm!) I decided we should just head back and maybe we could leave Ember at home and have a real date. An alone date. Photobucket

We cooled off in the air conditioned car. We made plans to go out to lunch and then see The Hunger Games. Photobucket

I went pee after hiking and my body was shaking when I sat down. My muscles were ok, but I was shaking. It was weird. Photobucket

And my head was pounding SO bad. I’ve never had such a bad headache before and that’s saying a lot because I get intense migraines fairly often. Photobucket

We dropped Ember off at home and went to In N’ Out. I was so tired I felt like I couldn’t move. And my stomach was growling so bad, I figured I was just starving because I’d only had a half granola bar that day and it was after 3pm by the time we got to the restaurant. We ordered food and I almost collapsed into the booth. I scarfed the food down super fast and felt slightly better for a few minutes. Except my head would not stop pounding. It hurt so bad I could barely keep my eyes open. But we had plans to see a movie and so I figured sitting back in a theater chair I’d be ok. Photobucket

But I wasn’t. The movie eventually started and my symptoms all got worse and worse. The last half of the movie was fairly torture for me but I didn’t want to let Allan know because I didn’t want to ruin the movie for him. Looking back, I should have! haha Photobucket

When the movie finally ended I said something like, “Thank goodness!” and somehow made it to the car. I was struggling with intense nausea and the worst headache imaginable. If I laid back to ease my headache my stomach would feel like it was going to start heaving. So I’d lean forward and breathe deeply to hold off the impending vomiting and then my head would pound. It was rough. I also started shivering/shaking really severely. We figured I had dehydration and heat fatigue or something. Photobucket

Once home I ran to the bathroom and puked and puked. The nausea was mostly gone after that so that was good. But the headache and shakes were getting worse. Allan brought me water which I sipped as much as possible to rehydrate and I curled up in bed and fell asleep, (with Ember who Allan had brought to me to nurse), at 7pm. Photobucket

The next day I felt better. I’ve had headaches since but that’s because I have yet to get a full night’s sleep since! haha

These next few pictures are from a couple weeks ago when we cleaned and packed the house to put on the market. PhotobucketPhotobucket

Even at a year and a half old she still falls asleep in my lap while breastfeeding. My toddler who acts as needy as a newborn 😛 PhotobucketPhotobucket

These pictures are a few weeks old, she now sleeps a lot in her (and my) bed. I nurse her to sleep and then scoot out of the bed and she’ll sleep on her own for a couple hours. PhotobucketPhotobucket

I’m as overweight as ever but have been working out consistently for months! I’m proud of that. This day we went on a walk. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

Ember is into everything. She climbs, she opens every door in the house, she destroys, ugh- toddlers! Photobucket

Another family walk. PhotobucketPhotobucket

Every single day Ember gets into the dishwasher. She loves to unload and reload it. Every morning (or the night before) I have to make sure to pull out the silverware section because she’ll walk around the house with knives if I don’t! Photobucket

One day she was especially cranky. She fell asleep while nursing but I had to pee and so I laid her on my bed real quick to run to the bathroom, she surprisingly stayed asleep. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket PhotobucketPhotobucket

The morning of my 29th birthday (Tuesday), I wanted a shot of me without makeup or hair done first thing in the morning. I’m getting old. It’s funny that my twenties are almost gone. I spent every bit of them taking care of other people. PhotobucketPhotobucket

Payson had peed his bed that morning. Happy Birthday to meeeee, cleaning up peeeeee! PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

Big girls at school, hanging out with the little two in Brooklyn’s room. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

A bunch of pictures of the little two in the family room. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

Monday Allan took the Sequoia to get a few repairs. He wasn’t back in time for me to go pick up the girls so they had to take the bus. We walked to the bus stop to get them. Photobucket

Yesterday dropping the girls off at school. Photobucket

This morning before taking the girls to school. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

The girls wore matching shirts and hairstyles and loved it. They’re so cute loving to match. PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket

Random two of Ember. She’s so flipping cute. PhotobucketPhotobucketAnd that, is all.

2 thoughts on “Keeping These Words Inside

  • Sorry you're having to deal with so much right now. I'll be so excited for you once you get moved and settled in to your new house…I really hope things calm down soon. I can't wait to see where you end up and I especially can't wait for you to have a climate change! As much as I hate winter, I'd absolutely die in that dry heat…and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that, either. I was not built for heat!

    What did you think of the Hunger Games movie? I'm going to see it again with my mom this weekend. I had SUCH high expectations for it because I love-love-love the book. It is the only book I've ever read more than once (I've read all 3 of them 3 times now!) and I just had big hopes for the movie. Unfortunately the movie just couldn't cram all of the emotion and suspense into 2 1/2 hours, so I was pretty disappointed.
    Did Allan enjoy it? I keep telling Calvin that I think he'd like it if he gave it a chance. Maybe I'll see it once with him, too…watch the movie 3 times ;c)

    I see you're using the Ergo carrier a lot. Do you love it now? Is Ember getting used to it? I ordered a Nordic something-or-other from Zulily the other day. It should be here tomorrow and I'm pretty excited to give it a try. I think it's pretty similar to the Ergo, but was 50% off that day so I couldn't pass it up!!

    The pictures of Ember sleeping with her hands behind her head are PRECIOUS! Love them.

    Hudson wakes up soaked like that sometimes, too, and he is SO ashamed of himself when it happens. He'll try to tell me that he just got really sweaty during the night because he doesn't want to admit that he had an accident. So sad :c( (And so frustrating!!)

    It makes me laugh that Sierra has been cross-eyed in a lot of her pictures lately. She must be pretty proud that she can do that! haha Neither of my girls have been able to figure out how to make themselves cross-eyed yet (try as they might). The girls' matching shirts are adorable, and I love Sierra in the “farmer” pants. 😉

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