Only the foyer light is on. Three children are sleeping soundly in their beds.
I am walking laps around my darkened kitchen with a crying baby in my arms.
Her nose is drippy, her throat is raspy, her mood is not good.
I haven’t slept well in… months.
I haven’t slept more than 5 hours (not consecutive or accumalitive) in days.
My mind starts to panic as the hours tick by.
While not in seemingly extreme discomfort she will not stop crying.
She seems like she only has a cold, no need for an urgent care trip.
But didn’t a doctor tell me one time that a child’s personality changing so dramatically during an illness is a sign to bring them in right away??!
What in the world should I do?
I can’t wake all the kids up to go to urgent care or the ER for a stupid cold.
Especially since my insurance won’t cover it if it’s not an actual emergency!
I didn’t mention, Allan is gone. Camping with the scouts.
Flashback to the morning before the endless night I’m typing about.
Allan is packing his car up with camping equipment. He is feeling sick as well. I feel like grabbing him and begging him to stay with me because after all these weeks of sickness and not sleeping I don’t want to be left alone to man the fort. I don’t know that I can do a weekend alone. But of course I will. I’ve done almost everything alone for 8 1/2 years.
So back (forward) to 1am.
I continue to pace and watch the clock. My mood is unpleasant. 2 and 3am are long gone. 4am has me praying. God I am so tired. I haven’t slept in so long and I am so sick. I’m totally alone tomorrow and don’t know how I’ll survive with no sleep!
I’m in her room (Sierra’s old bedroom) now. Hoping the white noise CD playing will help soothe her into sleep. I try to nurse her and rock her at the same time. My back is killing me but she’s calmed down. After a half hour or so I try to put her in her swing. She still sleeps there any time she’s not sleeping with me.
She turns her head to the side and drifts peacefully off. I leave the room with no hope of catching any ZZZs of my own. And sure enough, less than 10 minutes later she’s crying. I go back in to get her and walk more laps around my house.
5am brings a new symptom… she’s feeling hot. I take her temperature and am relieved that it’s only 100. I give her a dose of tylenol and put her in the baby carrier. We walk a million more laps around my dark house.
6am comes around. I lay with her in Sierra’s bed. She cozies up to me to breastfeed. I am convinced she’s going to start crying again in seconds (as that has been the pattern of the entire night) so I lay there still as stone. Tense. Waiting. But she just keeps clinging to me, not really drinking but definitely comfort sucking.
I’m uncomfortably aware that the tissue I have shoved up my own nose (since blowing it often as needed isn’t an option) needs to be changed. And my throat is threatening a coughing fit. The idea of it all panics me and I will everything in my body to fight off these symptoms and silentely, and without moving, deal with it.
Eventually I drift off to sleep. Five minutes later I awake. She is snoozing still latched on. I am excited at the idea of the 30 minutes of sleep I might get tonight! Um, this morning I mean!
My other kids usually wake up at 7am. Sometimes at 6 and I’m so grateful this morning they’re still asleep. And sure enough. I get a blissful 45 minutes of sleep. I wake up excited that I didn’t get zero minutes of sleep. I can function… better… on 45 minutes of sleep than zero… right?
My entire body hurts. My head hurts. Everything hurts. Everything is just tired. I don’t feel anything but wanting to just quit and sleep.
Instead, baby finally in a good mood, I start MAD cleaning. Load of laundry, load of dishes, tidy up the front rooms, sweep… I’m SPEED cleaning because this place is an epic disaster. I have to sprint clean any time I can have my arms free.
Thirty minutes later and feeling like a superhero for the progress I’ve made the kids are hounding and hounding about food. I tell them if they clean their rooms while I finish the last bit of dishes we’ll get McDonald’s! It works.
With a much cleaner house I tell the kids to get their shoes and then we’re driving to McDonald’s.
The day goes pretty well after that! I wisely rented five movies last night and the kids watch one. We all sob together during it. No joke. It was Mars Needs Moms. haha
And now the three older kids are outside playing while Ember NAPS (Wha?!?) and I type this real quick. Except real quick turned into way too long and now the kids are back inside whining at me for things and I’m still needing to do another load of laundry and dishes and vaccuum and finish putting away (locking away) some things the big kids got out this week to kill their sister with.
Not really, but really. They got them out to play with but they’re choking hazards/dangerous to Ember.
Oh like last night before bed Payson half pulled our nice wall map off the wall and left the tacks sprawled out on the ground. Stuff like that :S
I just left for a while because Brooklyn had hit Sierra for not sharing her toys. As in, Sierra wouldn’t give Brooklyn one of Sierra’s toys so Brooklyn hit Sierra.
Brooklyn has been horrible lately. Allan and I talk and wonder/blame it on her cold and therefor feeling unwell and not getting enough sleep but woah… um really? We’ve been extra nice. Genuinely nice to her and she’s been extra extra snotty and deliberately rude to everyone in the family.
And holy crap I gave her a timeout and as usual she started CRYING and then screaming and woke up Ember.
I’m trying not to be mad. I’m trying not to be mad. I’m trying not to be mad.
I have to go. I had pictures to post but… later I guess.