It Looks Like an Outfit a Fat Girl Would Wear

“To try to hide the fact that she’s fat. And you’re not a fat girl.”
Was Allan’s reply when I asked him what he thought of my new outfit.

And I said, “Well, I am fat and that’s exactly what I was trying to do!”
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I’ve gained fifteen pounds since my gallbladder removal surgery in April. After 8 months of basically starving to death I went on a bit of a binge.
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Which is very apparent.
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All the new clothes I bought when I was at my lowest weight don’t fit well anymore.
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But my fat clothes from when I was at my highest don’t fit either.
(The two dots on my abdomen are gallbladder surgery scars!)
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I’m surprisingly incredibly depressed about how fat I look. It’s surprising because I always hated being fat before but it didn’t affect my self confidence as much as it does now.
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I’d like not to look like I’m five months pregnant. Because I’m not. And I can’t even say it’s baby weight. Because it’s not. It’s recovering-from-starvation-binge-fest belly. And I really hate it 🙁
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I’m wanting to start losing again. I am just soooo tired and overwhelmed with life right now that I can’t imagine planning healthy meals and adding working out. I’ve been getting an average of 5 hours of sleep every night for the past 13 months. I’m just so very tired. I need more chocolate 😛

(I know eating healthy would probably help me feel a little less tired, but when I wake up from a crappy night’s sleep for the 401st night, sugar sounds better.)

2 thoughts on “It Looks Like an Outfit a Fat Girl Would Wear

  • I love your new outfit!! I know that doesn't change the way you are feeling about yourself right now, but I think you look great in the new outfit! 🙂 I have the opposite problem, which probably makes women everywhere hate me. I am TOO skinny. I have people ask me all the time if I ever eat, or if I'm “sick” or “anorexic” or whatever. Hurts my feelings. I look in the mirror and see all bones….not attractive. I look like a skeleton and hate it. So see…no one is ever satisfied! lol! I loved my body right after pregnancy. I might be the only woman that WANTED to keep pregnancy weight, but I did! I had family and friends telling me that I looked so “healthy” and they all hoped I could “hang on to some of that weight…” but it never stuck. I've been told once I hit 30 that it would all change, but I'm about to be 32 and I'm more scrawny now than ever. I'm too stressed and do have horrible eating habits (I eat all junk and not good for me stuff) and never exercise…I'm probably the most UNhealthy skinny girl alive. I hope for your own personal feelings about yourself that you are able to lose a little weight and feel better, but from someone looking at you, I see a beautiful woman and strong mother! Don't be so hard on yourself because you definitely aren't fat, and you are beautiful! I personally hate being too skinny, and would love to look like you, so I think women everywhere are just hard on themselves no matter what. 🙁

  • Ariana, I think you look great. I'm not just saying that. You REALLY look great. That picture where Ember is looking up at you, she's probably thinking, My Mommy is so beautiful. I think you're too hard on yourself. And yet, I know exactly how you feel. We are our own worst critics. Everything you said about yourself, I feel about myself. And people tell me I'm too hard on myself too, and then I turn around and give the same advice to someone else. We women are funny. Sometimes I feel truly obsessive about my weight. Thoughts about it consume my thoughts some days, all day long. I hate that. I don't want to be pre-occupied with it. I don't want to think about it…I just want to be skinny!

    I think you need to get good sleep. In September Tim and I started working out hard together…I was so gun ho to get back into the swing of things and then three weeks later I completely fell off the wagon. I couldn't keep up with it yet. I can't get up once, twice, three times (more when he's sick) a night and have energy to work out the way I want. So then, out of frustration over that fact, I sabotage myself more by going on eating binges, which then makes me feel even worse! I'm *praying* he starts sleeping more soundly by January. I REALLY need and want to start this next year out right! My goal for now is just to maintain through the holidays and not do more damage which I'll end up regretting later. It will be hard. I love holiday cooking and baking so much!

    Bottom line… Ariana. You're gorgeous. I hope you know that. You need sleep. Don't beat yourself up for it. I don't know if you believe in this type of method at all, but it's really really helped me with my babies when they don't sleep through the night…Which has been all of them up until they were 12 months and I implemented this method. Asher slept through the night one time so far, but other than that, he's like the rest of mine. When their first birthday is a few weeks away, that's when I've begun following this Dr's program. It's really worked miracles for me and my babes. It's “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” by Marc Weissbluth. It is hard to follow. It really is. But honestly it makes sense. He says what our babies *want* is to be next to us and for us to get up with them, but what they *need* is to sleep…just like we need to sleep. Anyway, I know it's a personal choice for everyone and you'll do what's best for you and your sweet girl. I just know what it's like to not sleep through the night for a year, so I feel for you. Based on how Asher is going, he's probably going to need me to apply this sleep training method with him when he's a year old as well. I both dread and look forward to it.

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