It was a beautiful evening in the desert last night. It felt like heaven gave me a gift of one day ease from the loathing and desperation I’ve been feeling.

I don’t know exactly what to think or say or feel these days about my life. I wish there were changes that were happening but I don’t know if I should push for them.

I really want out of the desert but Allan has a very stable, good job.

2 thoughts on “Struggle

  • I'm sorry you're frustrated. It's hard to feel like we're in situations beyond our control. If you move here, then you can complain about the winter and being stuck indoors the opposite part of the year, like me!

    Tim used to have a job that sounded a lot like how you describe Allan's. It consumed him. Even when he was home, which was rare, he wasn't “home”. He was on the phone or on the computer constantly. The kids wanted to talk or play with him and were constantly shushed or waved out of the room. Every conversation he and I began was interrupted by someone calling within minutes. We would even be lying in bed at night and he'd get calls at 11 PM. When he got a vacation, which was almost never, they occupied a large portion of it calling him, asking him to solve problems for them when he wasn't even in the state! I loathed that place, (other than the money).

    I remember telling Tim all the time that I'd rather earn less and have more time with him. Well, eventually I got what I wished for because that's the place that laid him off a little over 2 yrs ago after he'd practically given them his soul for six years and helped make the head honchos millionaires.

    We were really scared about what was going to happen and what we were going to do, but somehow things work out. Now we make less than half of what we did then and we have an entirely different set of struggles. Which I won't lie, it's stressful and frustrating and even scary at times. And yet we have Tim around. My kids see their Daddy. And they need that. I have my husband around. I NEED that. If we were offered his old job back and I had to decide between taking it and doubling our yearly income (which when I have to pick and choose which bills to pay each month, sounds veeeeeery tempting) or staying how we are right now which means having Tim in our lives more, but a certain amount of financial instability, I wouldn't take it. That might be a less rational or mature decision…I don't know. But all I know is our family's lives are better without that job.

    Anyway, I know I just rambled on and on. Your post just got me reflecting…

  • I have major issues with calvin's job, too…but he LOVES his job and has no intention of leaving any time soon. As you know, he travels constantly and for six weeks out of the summer he's completely MIA. Next week he is flying to SLC for a conference and is leaving me with a new baby and a lot of shuttling kids around. The kicker? The conference is *optional*. All of the professional development he does and all of the workshops he attends and all of the flying/traveling/leaving is NOT required. It's (in his own words) “A good idea” to go to these things…but not necessary.
    Calvin is a year and a half away from having his phd, and he's perfectly happy with his entry-level job and next-to-nothing salary!! It's infuriating!! I have my associates (2-year) degree and when I work full-time, our salaries are basically identical.
    I know it isn't all about money money money, but his job causes me endless amounts of stress and we fight about it constantly. If he got a phd-level job, he'd make enough that I wouldn't have to work AT ALL and it would also eliminate all of the unnecessary traveling.
    But if I ever even so much as mention changing jobs to him, he gets really upset. He's passionate about this job and if it came down to it….I'm not sure he'd give it up even if it meant losing me and the kids.
    Rambling mow, but….I totally get your frustrations with wanting a change but being unable to actually DO anything about it. Allan has to be the one to make the decision since it's his job, so your happiness with where you live really depends entirely on him. I can understand where he's coming from…he HAS a job, which is better than a lot of people in the country can say. But if there is another position available in a location you'd be happier in…it wouldn't hurt to apply or interview, would it?

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