Another huge catch up post today.
Our dishwasher broke last week (I’ve got to do better about getting all the food off before loading!) so I’ve been doing all the dishes by hand. It takes me a good hour every day since we mostly cook from scratch and use almost all of our dishes in one day! Sometimes Ember has tummy time while I scrub and I get this cute view:
Ember is never left alone for very long. Side note- I told Brooklyn not to hold Ember by her arms like that and Brooklyn was really rude about it! She said that Ember was just fine and she was being careful.Oh well excuuuuse me. I guess I thought I was the mom or something.
Wednesday Brooklyn had tumbling and oh boy it was eventful, shall we say. First, Ember had a diaper change (nothing out of the ordinary). Two older women came in while I was changing her and were talking on and on about how cute he was. They got up close and were cooing and baby talking to her and called her “he” over and over. I was like, really? They kept asking Sierra if she just loved having a baby brother and Sierra stared at them blankly.I took a picture to illustrate… she is wearing dark pink.
Sierra was begging to go the park and I really didn’t want to because my kids are just recovering from being sick. But I figured… it would be mean to say no since we hadn’t gone anywhere or done anything for weeks.I pushed Payson on the swings and Ember for the first time was aware of that and she laughed and laughed and laughed! She was giggling so hard. She thought it was the funniest thing ever!I put her in the swing with Payson and (holding onto her the whole time, of course) I started pushing them and she laughed even more. It was so cute!I didn’t get a picture of that because I had to hold onto Ember but later Sierra asked if she could swing together with Ember and I did take a quick snap.
And then the trauma happened. Before I start I should say that Payson is totally fine so it all ended well.I should also say it’s a really long story. I typed it as if it were my journal so I’m talking a full page single spaced… you might want to skip it.But when it happened it was one of the worst moments of my life. I was holding Ember and pushing Sierra and Payson in the baby swings. Some little boy, probably 10, came over and started talking to us. He asks if he can push Sierra for me. Um, sure? So he starts pushing Sierra and I’m pushing Payson.So then Payson wanted to get down. I tried to convince Sierra to get down, too, so I could watch them in the same place at the park (it’s a big park) but she refused.So Payson is wandering around the area near the baby swings while this little boy is pushing Sierra and I’m holding Ember while constantly staying by Payson’s side because he keeps heading in front of the swing and I don’t want him hit.Then a nanny shows up with three little kids. They all head straight for Ember, who is still in my arms. They start holding her hands and talking to her and trying to hug her. It was actually sweet and they were being gentle but my attention was taken off Payson for a few seconds.And that’s all it takes.As I answer one of the little girl’s question about Ember I hear a crash and a cry and I know it’s Payson. I know he’s been hit by the swing because I’d just spent five minutes making sure to stay by his side and watch him like a hawk.Why did I look away? I curse myself, even now, about why I looked away.I know why, I was worried about one of the kids pulling Ember’s arm, which they were all grabbing at, but still, I never should have looked away.I turned and saw Payson laying face first on the ground with a look of agony on his face. He was frozen in that moment before one can muster the breath to cry. His eyes were rolling up and his mouth was open and he was drooling and my heart stopped.I told Allan later that I would never forget that face. It will haunt me forever.I wanted to scream at everyone to get the hell away from me (the park was packed and there were literally 5 people within 5 feet of me trying to talk to me and see Ember!) but I didn’t scream, I just started to set Ember down on my nursing cover but then that nanny offered to hold her, so I passed Ember off quickly and picked up Payson. This all happened in maybe 3 seconds!Oh gosh typing this is awful for me. I can barely keep myself from sobbing about it now.His face was bleeding and bruising immediately and he was in so much pain, trying to breathe and trying to cry but not being able to for a few seconds.I held him close to me as he started crying and screaming. I rubbed his back and his head and whispered, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry you’re hurt. I know it hurts. You’re ok, mommy has you.”And held back tears of my own for his sake. I stood there with him in my arms, comforting him, for a while. The people around me were all watching and talking about it and the kid that had been pushing Sierra was next to me trying to comfort Payson, too, and all Payson wanted was me and me alone so I told everyone to back away and give Payson some room. He just wants his mommy.I was a bit of a walk from the rec center where Brooklyn was in gymnastics. I had a toddler, a baby, a really heavy diaper bag and a (surprisingly) throwing-a-fit five year old. Sierra didn’t want to get off the swing. After kicking her brother in the face full speed and seeing him bleeding and screaming.Yeah, pretty annoyed with Sierra right then.So I take Ember from the nanny (and thank the nanny) and grab my diaper bag and carrying all that tell Sierra to get her butt moving right now. We went to the rec center where they gave me some ice packs which Payson refused to let me put anywhere near him. I sat with him in a chair holding him close and soothing him and rubbing his back and checked him over and looked at his pupils and did all the other stuff you do to make sure you don’t need an ER trip (sad that I know the checklist because of falls from this boy!) and he was just fine. Crying and super sad and oh so tiny in my arms (so it seemed) but fine.Brooklyn’s class ended and we made our way to the car. I gave Payson a piece of candy because it’d been a good thirty minutes since his injury and he was still crying a lot and I didn’t know how we’d get home with him being so sad. I didn’t want to just put him in his carseat while crying :(So I sat in the front seat with him and gave him a candy and asked him if he wanted to go home and see daddy and get elephant and binky and he said quietly, “Yeah.”So he was happy about the candy but I could tell he was hurting. I just wanted to get home, give him some pain medicine (tylenol) and cuddle him on the couch.I sat in the front seat after everyone was buckled and cried and cried. I called Allan because I was shaking so bad and traumatized and needed to have an adult calm me down.I eventually got home and did just what I’d planned. Allan held Ember (who was starving, poor girl) while I gave Payson some medicine and cuddled him more on the couch. Then Allan cuddled Payson while I nursed Ember and sat next to them. I kept Payson up for two hours later than his usual bedtime so I could keep watching him. And then I was still so worried I checked on him four times that night.
I’m so thankful he’s ok. That little boy was pushing Sierra as fast as he possibly could (I’m so mad about that, he gave her two really hard pushes right before it happened) and Payson practically did a flip he was hit so hard. My stomach hurts really bad typing this.
And after that I can hardly think of what to say about the rest of the pictures. It took me a full day to recover from that. I basically held Payson the entire next day and have held him as much as possible since. Being hit that hard right in the face could’ve been so much worse. I am actually going to go do the dishes for a minute and come back and type in a while…Whew… I mopped my entire tile floor (we have LOTS of tile) and have calmed down.I took these pictures of Allan talking to Ember in her exersaucer thing. She really, really loves her daddy.
We’ve all been sick, sick, sick for so long now. We’re on the mend, I think. Yesterday it started raining and I desperately wanted to take the girls outside to play but being still a bit sick I said we could only go out for five minutes or so.
Just long enough to smell that fresh air and feel the rain on our faces and escape that house.
I really love these girls. I’ve been remembering life when it was just the two of them and how much I miss that. I realized that the reason it hurts so bad to remember and realize it’s over forever is because I will never again see my toddler Brooklyn or my toddler Sierra or them as babies. It’s so sad that it all goes by. I love the ages they’re at now, I really do, but I would love to have all those years back, too! I don’t want to ever not be a mom with little kids in the home. As absolutely nuts and overwhelming as it is, I don’t want to ever let it go!
Good thing I took that picture of Brooklyn’s loose tooth because today…
She was sitting on the couch this afternoon and dropped it on the floor. We both looked for it for quite a while. I moved the couches and was on my hands and knees searching with her with no luck. I finally gave up. Brooklyn was sitting next to me thinking and then piped up with, “Mom, I’m going to say a prayer that Jesus will help me find it!” And she did, said the sweetest little prayer and wouldn’t you know she went back to the exact same spot we were looking and found it right away!And that’s about it for an update. I spent the morning cuddling with the kids, as usual, and then I did some major cleaning. Oh boy am I worn out! Brooklyn was reading over my shoulder just now and asked, “Is this a story?”Should I take that to mean I am typing way too much?! I think I need to shorten my blog posts! haha