Well I’m having my first postpartum breakdown cry. I’ve been up almost all night in pain and frustration because of engorgement and I don’t know what to do about it.
I read a lot and watched videos online to try to figure out how to ease engorgement and enable Ember to latch on and on one side that works alright but it takes forever and the other side is totally helpless. She can’t latch on at all.
I feel like she isn’t getting enough to eat at all and my chest hurts so bad I can’t stand it!
I bought a manual hand pump before she was born knowing that I’d occasionally want to pump so Allan could feed her or if I needed to leave her for some reason. I keep reading only to pump until your chest is soft enough for baby to latch on and nothing more but I can pump at least 4 ounces before she’s able to latch on. So then I’m wondering if I’m doing the wrong thing.
And tomorrow I’m going to call a lactation consultant but in the meantime I have no idea what to do! I’ve been pumping and giving Ember a bottle of breastmilk all night and I don’t want her to get nipple confusion and I’m so so worried that she’ll stop nursing altogether.
I didn’t get to nurse Sierra or Payson for two totally different reasons and it’s bothered me ever since. I really want to nurse Ember for at least a year. Exclusively. I’m so worried that won’t happen and I’m frustrated I might have to spend more money on an electric pump and I really don’t want ot leave my house to go see a doctor or lactation consultant because I’m so so so tired. I just want to sleep and nurse my baby. Why is nature so screwed up that having a baby and feeding that baby is a miserable experience? My boobs hurt and I don’t want to get an infection.
And I’m so tired and sore I don’t know if something else is wrong with me or if it’s just the engorgement. My body hurts. I feel sick. I’m just so beat down physically. And I look so terrible. Which doesn’t matter except the idea of leaving the house makes me cry.
I really had no idea how much sleep deprivation would affect me. I don’t know why I didn’t remember after having had three kids but I’m so tired and hormonal! I really hate it. I just want to be normal and healthy and feed my baby. Why does it have to be such