She Looks Sweet

I’ve had a hard time this year knowing where the line needs to be drawn when it comes to blogging.
Specifically when it comes to talking about my kids.
More specifically when it comes to talking about my kids’ bad behaviors.
And even more specifically when it comes to talking about Brooklyn’s bad behavior.

I think ages 5 and under you can pretty much blog about anything and it really doesn’t matter because the kids are so little that anything they do can be shrugged off as a little kid quirk.

But then Brooklyn hit five and suddenly it seemed like maybe I shouldn’t share this weakness or that of hers with the public. And that’s how I’ve felt the past two years and I find myself sharing less and less about my struggles raising her.

Which is fine, I don’t really need to vent on my blog about her bad behavior. But I think not talking about it here gives this wrong impression to some of you that I don’t have challenges as a mom. That I’m doing it all and everything is happy go lucky.

If I spoke openly about my struggles with Brooklyn I’d probably seem to many of you a lot more… weak? Normal? Human?
I don’t know what word I’m looking for but basically I do have a very hard time during much of my day.

I do a lot with and for my kids, yes, but there is so much left undone and so many struggles I have. I struggle to be happy cooking for, cleaning up after, and teaching a child who acts so awful in return.

I could go on and on but I’m already reaching that point where I feel like I can’t put anymore about it out there.

I do feel like I share a very accurate portrayal of my life here, don’t get me wrong. I will blog about a really hard day, I’ll talk about how sick of cooking and cleaning I am (I am SO sick of cooking and cleaning!) and I’ll talk about how tired and yucky I feel. But I don’t go into specifics because I feel like it betrays my family’s personal space.

I’m not sure where I’m even going with this post. I suppose I am having a really hard time emotionally this week despite how much I accomplish every day and I feel the need to share that here along with all the things we’re getting done.

I luckily manage to have a good attitude throughout most of my days. I’ve become pretty good at shoving all the “yuck” deep inside while the kids are up.

But when the kids go to bed I slump in my chair or on the couch and feel so drained I don’t want to move or speak for several hours. Sometimes I sit on the shower floor with the water turned as hot as it goes and cry. I try to let it all out at night but many mornings I still feel trampled on and drained.

I pick myself up and go go go to meet the demands of my job as a mom but inside I’m struggling.

So, when I post adorable pictures of my kids just know that though I was hanging out with them and we were having a great time, moments before Brooklyn was being extremely rude to Sierra, Payson was screaming while I changed his diarrhea-filled diaper, Brooklyn was yelling at me that she hated me because I sent her on timeout for not finishing her chores or a million other things like that!

The girl has attitude. Let’s just leave it at that!

Fake pouting.

They fight a lot but they play and love each other a lot, too!

And though they get frustrated when their brother destroys their toys or rips their books, they ADORE him and can be so super sweet to him. They both dote on him like little mothers.

Payson is still a toddler but ever since I bought those baby gates he has been a lot easier. Sure sometimes he gets cranky and he’s not the best at following directions, but he is not actively trying to be naughty and spends the majority of his day playing nicely with his toys.

Sierra annoys Payson to no end but I think it’s because she really wants his attention, because that girl really loves that boy.

Things got SO bad around here that I actually packed up all of my kids’ toys and put them into storage. I let each kid keep two toys out. These two are the ones Brooklyn kept. The bear’s name is Roger and the other one is LuLu, named after her baby cousin.

She wanted a picture on her bed. Payson wanted to be included.

They’re very silly children.

Payson, having seen his sisters do it so often, has started doing the head tilt and smile for the camera.

She can be so very sweet sometimes.

These two have a really special bond. He idolizes her and she babies him.

I’ve made a huge effort the past few weeks to give Sierra lots of quality attention because being the middle child and so calm and easy going, well, it’s easy for her to get lost in the shuffle.

But I will not let that happen! She’s my sweet girl and I am in love with all the time we’re spending together while Payson naps and Brooklyn reads her school books πŸ™‚

12 thoughts on “She Looks Sweet

  • Hang in there, girl. No one ever said parenting was easy. Kids can be tough. They are trying to figure out how they want to live and be and they push our limits on a daily basis. Just be consistent in your rules and your love and they will turn out fine. And don't be afraid to blog about the fact that you had a hard day. We all do! We don't need all the details, just saying that the kids were really pushing all your buttons is enough sometimes. And please, try to make time for yourself. I'm sure your husband will understand and help you do that. He seems like a pretty good guy. Hugs. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones don't help, either! Again, hang in there!

  • Just wanted to say I can so relate to so much that you post, your feelings as a mom in general, and especially a homeschool mom.

    You aren't alone! It's so comforting to find others through blogging who are struggling with the same things as myself every day!

    Thank you!

  • I admire you for keepimg the frustrations in until the kids are in bed. That is a very hard thing to do! I'm still working on that. I get what you are saying about your families privacy, I often struggle with what is and isn't ok to share on my blog too. I think you are right to use discretion for Brooklyn's sake. But sometimes you just need to vent and that's ok! πŸ™‚ She seems like she is a great “high passion” girl. I think you are doing an excellent job as her Mommy. Hang in there!

  • as the quiet and reserved child in my family, I can tell you from my experiences anyway the loud defiant and fiery personality, Brooklyn seems to have (which reminds me of my older sister!) will most likely bide her very well in the real world, no one is going to push that girl around! It’s great she has such passion, though I know how frustrating it can be.

  • I have to fully agree with what everyone said. I am sure being pregnant makes you even more tired anyway and you still do school with them. One reason I could personally never homeschool is all the time is spent with them, not one little break, you know after the fact that I am a horrible teacher anyway.

    And where do you get those decals?! My favorite room at the kids' pediatricians office has those EXACT same ones and I want them for my daughter's room. My sister-in-law who works there always puts me in that room when we have an appointment and I asked her… but she wasn't able to get information on them.

  • These are great comments. Parenting is hard, and the ability to keep it all inside until they are in bed amazes me! I haven't been able to do that yet. I also think giving your family their personal space online is a great idea. Who knows, someday B might read your blog and you are smart to keep that in mind!

  • Sometimes I think that blogging about something makes me “focus” on it more. For instance, I was blogging about my son's vocabulary and suddenly I started noticing all kinds of new words and was really focused on keeping track of them so I could blog about them. Perhaps, if you set the limit to not blog about Brooklyn's behavior, it will help you to stop thinking about it as much. I don't know if that makes any sense at all…LOL!

  • I also understand completely what you are going through — I have a five year old who has a fiery, energetic, stubborn, independant, intellegent, emotional and really strong personality. When all of that comes out at once (which it does, a lot) it can be so very challenging! I often find myself wondering how I created this being, where I turned a corner in my parenting and then I realize that it is just who she is. I am trying to learn to embrace it, gently mold when I can, tolerate as much as I can and most importantly… take a break once in a while. I do worry as a homeschooling mom that this will be tough. But, to re-energize nsometimes- helps.

    I find it comforting to know that others are out there with the same kinds of children making it through, enjoying homeschooling still and embracing their family life. The other day you shared a video on how most activities end with your little one and I sighed thinking wow… I am not alone. We can have amazing days and experiences for it all to end in a melt down – for really no reason. πŸ™

    ((hugs)) to you for making it through with smiles, tears and patience! It takes all sides of a mom (and dad) to help these little people become the amazing people they will be.

  • I love love love love LOVE Brooklyn's bedroom, the owl, the colours, the bedding everything. πŸ™‚ x

  • I can relate, I can relate, I can relate. You're a great Mommy. Hang in there and do your best, smile, enjoy the journey because it will end and we'll miss them….these are the things I tell myself when I feel like strangling one of them. Great post.

  • I'm so sorry you're struggling…but really I think most moms do, we're just really good at hiding it. Every single day I question if what I am doing is “right” or if I'm going to screw this kid up forever. I question if leaving him at daycare while I'm at school/work is selfish, if staying home with him and not working, is hurting my family financially (I've done both), etc.

    No matter what I am doing at the time, more times than not, I feel like I could have done better. But, we are our hardest critic…and I promise you, you are a wonderful mommy. She WILL realize it one day, and hopefully soon : )

    Hang in there…and in case you havn't heard it recently – You're doing a great job! : )

  • Oh Ariana!! I know this will sound strange because we don't really “know” each other outside of blogworld…and we aren't related, and I'm a happily married grown woman…BUT…I love you for posting all this!!! It is so easy when we are on the outside looking in to think that everything is perfect in each other's worlds…when pure chaos is what we actually deal with! πŸ˜‰ I'm so relieved to know that you struggle daily too! You make it seem so easy! Even when you blog about a bad day…it still seems like everyone gets along all day and all is right with your world! πŸ˜‰ It is such therapy to me to know there are Moms out there living the same kind of days that I am! (I love that you said that right before those pictures the girls were fighting and you had just changed a bad diaper!!) lol πŸ™‚ I daily remind myself that they are only little ONCE and that I will miss all this alot sooner than I care to think about! Thanks for being such a great “blog” friend and for encouraging me when I need it most! I feel like some days you are writing the words in my own mind! I hope you have a wonderful day today friend!! πŸ™‚

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