On my period
Payson woke up about 20 times last night (unfortunately that’s not an exaggeration)
Husband wanting to go to the lake
Feeling fat, though I’m eating super healthy- and not skipping meals anymore either.
Feeling like Payson will never be normal
Wishing I could go ONE day without hearing crying, screaming, whining and complaining. ONE day.
Payson can’t be babysat right now, either. I’m totally stuck with him 100% of the time because he absolutely refuses to let anyone else feed him. He’s not nursed, but he still only accepts a bottle from me. ANNOYING. He won’t even take baby food from anyone else. He’s such a weird baby!
Allan can’t even let me sleep in because Payson will just cry and cry because he wants to be fed or held a certain way or because Allan can’t read his cues like I can. Everything with Payson is so PARTICULAR. You have to hold your arm just the right way behind his head while he eats. You have to hold the bottle at the right angle and push it in his mouth the right way. You have to hold him a certain way when he burps, you have to know which cry and scream mean what and which thing will calm him down.
I’m the only one that knows these things and I HATE it. I try to tell Allan, but you can’t TELL someone how to hear certain cries or how to determine what he wants when what that would take is HOURS and DAYS and WEEKS and MONTHS of being with him to understand.
We were supposed to go to the lake today, but I’m so exhausted that I don’t even want to. It takes so much work with 3 kids to make trips fun, that the work part is outweighing the fun part for ME today so I don’t want to go. I wish I could go. I wish I could go and swim and goof around without having to hold a baby. Actually I just wish I could do ANYTHING without having to hold a baby.
People around me don’t take me very seriously when I say I’m done having kids, but if they saw one glimpse of my feelings on the subject they’d see that I would go TODAY, right this SECOND and get my tubes tied if I wasn’t so afraid of surgery because of my blood condition.